Do you ever look at the people with whom you live and think, “I don’t know these people anymore.”?
If so, consider these tips for renewing emotional connection.
Start slow and grow it over time. Start with intentionally making eye contact when you speak to each other. Respond promptly when they speak to you. Root out communication bad habits, like talking while looking at your phone. Over time, work toward more and more meaningful conversation. If you dive-in too quickly, the other person will likely feel awkward and distrustful of your motives.
Take opportunities, as they come, to engage in more conversation. Try different ways to encourage their engagement. Ask something unexpected or in a new and different way. Try using humor to lower their defenses.
Develop an attitude of curiosity and appreciation. Become a student of this person. Seek to understand how they think, what matters to them, what triggers their strong emotion, what they love and what they dislike. Think about what you loved and appreciated about them in years gone by.
Be prepared to engage in this process, in a one-sided manner, for a long time. Yes, over time, the hope is that this effort will bear fruit – in the form of increased emotional connection. But, the harvest comes in months and years, not in days or weeks.
Ask questions to deepen your understanding or to show interest, NOT to advance your own agenda.
Do NOT criticize or correct. You cannot express even a hint of negativity, when you are in this mode. Remind yourself that this person does not exist to please you. Instead, be on the lookout for what is admirable, unique, and fascinating about the other person, apart from your values and opinions. It’s not that your thoughts and feelings about this person don’t matter, it’s just that they need to be set aside for periods of time so you can engage in this other-focused process.
Meet them where they’re at. Do whatever you can think of to get inside their world. Spend time with them doing what they like to do.
Remember that creating and growing connection starts with you. It starts with you carving out the time and energy to learn how to delight in the other person again. It is only once people feel loved and delighted-in that they will feel safe enough to let themselves be known and to connect with others.
A couple of caveats:
First, these ideas are useful for renewing connection that existed previously. They are ideal for rebuilding a relationship that’s been neglected. But, if you’ve never had an emotionally close relationship with this person, you may need more assistance than what these ideas can provide. See a counselor who has experience in relationship restoration.
Second, relationships can only be improved so much when only one participant is making all the effort. If you’ve invested consistent time and energy into this reconnection process and find your efforts continually rebuffed, it might be time to step back and reevaluate how to proceed in the relationship.
Again, a counselor can be an invaluable aid in this process.
These apply equally well with children as with intimate partners.
