Communication and conflict management are issues that impact every relationship. The more intimate the relationship, the greater the importance of healthy communication and conflict management. These are issues that every couple and family face at some point in their lives. Why do we put so much emphasis on healthy communication? When we can clearly communicate and successfully navigate conflict in our relationships, we feel secure and confident. It can be challenging to have these conversations when our natural inclination is to criticize or get defensive which leads to contempt and eventually we shut down.
The issue that I often see in couples, as well as myself, is that problem solving is the goal and we want to get there as quickly as possible. The goal of a learning conversation is understanding each other. When we feel heard and understood by our significant others, we feel more secure and intimate with them. This has other great benefits such as better sex and romance, lower stress levels, and better physical health.
There are two roles in a learning conversation: speaker and listener. It does not usually matter which role you begin in. The speaker is to share their thoughts and feelings honestly without blaming, shaming, criticizing or showing contempt. This is not a time to try to persuade the listener to your point of view or to solve the problem. Focus on using “I feel” statements and describing your own feelings and needs. Describe your partner’s behavior and the situation rather than your partner and their character flaws. When you see your partner listening and understanding you, express appreciation for their efforts, even if they do not understand everything. Make sure to stay on topic and the question “Is there anything else?”, is not an invitation to bring up another topic.
The listener’s job is to postpone your own agenda and attune to your partner’s world. Listen for their needs, wants, fears, and hurts. Pay attention to emotional words such as: unwanted, unloved, scared, lonely, disappointed, overwhelmed, etc. After the speaker has shared their thoughts and feelings, reflect and summarize what they shared using an integration of their words and your own.
Ask questions for clarification and elaboration to deepen the process and help your partner feel heard and understood. This is not a time to offer suggestions, corrections, or critiques. Validate your partner even if you disagree with them. Validation is a way of saying “I acknowledge your thoughts and feelings are genuine and I respect your individuality.” After you have validated your partner ask them if you have understood them and if there is anything else. If they show they are satisfied with your understanding then you switch roles. The conversation may still be uncomfortable, but you can help each other remain calm and feel safe if you do this well. Understanding should always precede problem solving and debate. It is meant to bring you together and create unity in solving a problem.
Learning conversations are not about getting caught up in the details or fact checking. That will come after each of you feel heard and understood. We are more open to hearing ideas and feelings we disagree with when we are calm and grounded. The truth does matter and feelings are often times based on lies and misunderstandings. Learning conversations are a great way to get to the truth in a gracious and loving manner. Truth without grace can be cruel and abrasive and most of us do not respond to that with level heads. Be humble and take responsibility for you.
