1, 2, Step: Never Fight Again in Your Marriage
Let’s be honest. Having disagreements in your marriage is normal and inevitable. There is going to come a day where you and your partner disagree and you may even feel like each other’s worst enemy at some point. While conflict in a marriage or love relationship is common, it doesn’t mean it needs to happen often nor does it haveto create distance and disconnection between the both of you.
From the Start
Let me know if this sounds familiar to you:
You begin a conversation with your partner and you begin to complain that the clothes are thrown in literally every corner besides the hamper (where they belong!) You talk about how you always pick the clothes up and right in the middle of your sentence – you get cut off, “…but you’re the one always leaving ______________ around the house! I’m not the only one!!”
How frustrating, right? Now the fight begins. You complain, the other complains and around and around you go. If you’re just starting out, you may get through it, but without a mindful approach and helpful tools and skills, this can become the beginning of the end for many marriages.
What is Happening?
Many times, couples can get really good at “listening to reply.” What does that mean? It means that when one partner hears 1, single detail they don’t agree with or they remember differently, they interject – because it is inaccurate or “wrong.” This leads to that back and forth that so many couples are accustomed to. They fight, sometimes they say sorry, sometimes there is a repair, sometimes the aftermath of the fight lingers for hours, days, weeks, even months! This doesn’t need to happen.
What to do Instead
So instead of “listening to reply,” we need to “listen to understand.” How do you do that? We have to implement the “1, 2, Step.”
Step 1 – Validate
The first step sounds so simple, yet so many couples struggle with this every single day: Listen and validate each other’s perspective. When we listen, we must be listening to understand. This means that we are not quick to jump at every inaccuracy that we hear or that we see, but we ask questions, we clarify information and we are understanding and validating their position. We must understand our partner’s view from their own perspective. This step is vital to avoid fighting again, but I know what you’re thinking, “Logan, if I validate my spouse’s perspective, that means they ‘win’ and I ‘lose!’” Not so fast. Validating someone is not the same as agreeing with someone. You can validate someone’s experience, but not agree with their approach or the details of their position.
Validating creates safety within the conversation. It tells your spouse that you are willing to sit with them and understand from their perspective (even if there are some things you don’t agree with) Of course, we need to stay away from the Four Horsemen and other unhelpful traits of fighting, but this step is crucial. We need to validate each other’s own perspective.
Step 2 – Take Responsibility – Respond
If we begin at step one with listening to understand, asking questions and validating, we then go to taking responsibility for what we are able to take responsibility for and then respond. If we understand it from our partner’s perspective and we validate, take responsibility, we are creating dialogue and conversation by working as a team, not going against each other.
When you can validate and take responsibility, the roles switch, but remember – you have already validated and understood it from your partner’s point of view which allows you to add context. For example:
“You had asked me to put the dishes up from the dishwasher and when you came back downstairs, the dishes were still there. You said you were disappointed and I can understand why you felt that way. Am I getting that right?”
Then take responsibility:
“I heard you ask me to put the dishes up and I totally spaced it. I am sorry those didn’t get done.”
Now, you can offer an explanation or bring context as to why it had gone that way.
“I heard you ask me to do the dishes and I was getting ready to get them out and put them away, but then the dog needed to go out and I let him out and then completely forgot. I can understand your disappointment since you had asked me earlier today. I’ll go do the dishes right now.”
These aren’t excuses – you’re taking responsibility, remember? The response from there can be, “I didn’t realize the dog needed to go out and I understand forgetting. Can we be more mindful to put dishes away next time?”
Result – End of Fighting
There is still conflict between this (totally made up) couple. The couple isn’t fighting, they are having a conversation. Fighting suggests an offense AND defense. There is no offense or defense in the above scenario. There is dialogue. It’s a conversation between partners that seek the greater good and connection vs. winning or losing.
This takes practice – and a whole lot of it. If you’re tired of going back and forth and feeling like you’re never getting anywhere, please know that there are answers waiting! You can email me at logan@groffandassociates.com or schedule a session now!
