How many times have you been faced with this statement? Whether you think it, say it or hear it – these are words that can have a lot of different meanings and purpose in context. Unfortunately, I believe most that say or hear this phrase automatically go towards the negative or critical.
When things aren’t going well within your marriage, there are many ways to address the distance or disconnection. One main way that couples try to address conflicts is to criticize their spouse.
🚨Sound the alarm! Warning! Now, do all couples experience criticism in some way over the years within marriage? Of course. It is not an uncommon occurrence (even in my own home). Here’s the problem with criticism – it rarely (extremely rare) produces any kind of genuine motivation for lasting change. Did you catch that? Criticizing your spouse may produce some sort of preferred response, but it will most likely be done begrudgingly and will not be done with a genuine heart and effort. Your marriage will never authentically improve as long as criticism is present.
“So I won’t say anything and then they will get the point eventually.”
🚨Sound the alarm! Warning! The two main ways couples attempt to address difficult conflict is by criticizing, what we just mentioned above – or avoiding. Instead of showing frustration and finger pointing, you show nothing at all. You might even feel helpless or hopeless that change will ever occur and you simply feel like you have no choice but to give up or give in. “But Logan! I have tried and tried and tried…. and tried again with no response – no answers – nothing!” Here’s the problem with avoidance – it will never create any opportunity for change. Your marriage will never improve as long as you are in this state.
What to do instead
I understand – I see you. You are fed up with how things have been going. You’re at your last straw – you have been waiting for change to happen for weeks – months – maybe even years. Let’s pause and consider the following: It didn’t take a moment to experience this distance and disconnection and it simply will not take a moment or a single conversation to step out of the season of disconnection.
This takes time – we must be patient. I know you’ve been in this for too long already, but this all starts with your mindset or approach (and your collective approach). But more than that, it takes a great deal of understanding and patience to work through a more difficult season of marital disconnect. Think about the fruit of the spirit, “But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness,gentleness and self-control…” Your approach for creating an opportunity for change is the foundation required for that change to occur. Trust that the fruit of the spirit can and will produce that change you so desire to see – in time.
Your words have a profound impact on your spouse. Just as James explains that “the tongue is such a small part of the body, yet can speak great things,” so your words can greatly shift the atmosphere of your marriage. I get it, in the heat of a moment, we can say a lot of words that we really don’t mean, but those words can be daggers in the heart of our spouse (See How Flooding Effects Marriage). Remember that your approach lays the groundwork for change to occur – replacing critical complaints with encouraging or loving reminders prompts your spouse to respond in kind – not always, but this is the opportunity for that change to happen.
Remember your covenant. This brings us all the way back to day number 1 when we confess our love to one another in front of God, friends and/or family. Our covenant is our decision and reminder that we have given all of ourselves to our spouse. In all of the highs, the lows, the ups and downs – We still choose each other. I hear you wife – I hear you husband – things have not been good, life has been hard, parenting seems like straight up warfare at times, but remember to choose one another – every day.
There can be a lot of detail hidden between these lines. Of course, it’s impossible to cover all the nuances of every relationship out there, but I want to encourage you with these 3 thoughts and reminders. There are steps that you must take to improve your circumstances, but with a solid and firm foundation – you will get there.
If you are looking for a practical way to improve your marriage – consider registering for the Seven Principles Class offered on April 27th, 2024 at Venture Christian Church in Carmel, IN. Click here for more information or below to secure your spot! Use code NEWHOPE for $50 off your registration (limited to 10 couples).
https://www.eventbrite.com/e/seven-principles-for-making-marriage-work-class-tickets-791508040857
If you have questions, please feel drop a comment below or contact me anytime by clicking here. If you would like to schedule a time to meet, please schedule a session. Always remember that we have a hope that anchors the soul – in Christ Jesus.
