Conflict-resolution skills are essential for repairing and preserving close relationships. Most of us grew up in families that did not model healthy conflict-resolution. So, the task of learning these fair fighting skills falls to us, now, as adults. If you want to build your ability to process conflict and to find resolutions as efficiently as possible, then follow these “rules”:
Stay Engaged – You can’t resolve conflict if you disengage prematurely. Actively use self-soothing skills to keep yourself calm, rational, and able to communicate well. For example, try abdominal breathing to soothe your nervous system and to keep the intensity of your emotions from sky-rocketing.
Attend to Your Own Feelings of defensiveness, guilt, shame, anger, and hurt. These are normal emotional reactions when we receive critical feedback or feel attacked. But, if you’re not actively working through these feelings within yourself, then you will be distracted by them and unable to really listen to your partner. Try using self-coaching statements, to keep yourself emotionally grounded, such as: “Just because my partner has a complaint or hurt feelings, that doesn’t necessarily mean I did anything wrong” or “I can listen without needing to defend my position or convince my partner of anything” or “My partner’s complaints do not diminish my worth as a person.”
Practice Active Listening, which starts with listening to understand (rather than to formulate a response). Turn toward your partner and maintain good eye contact. Make sure your non-verbal communication shows that you are listening. Ask clarifying questions, if needed. When your partner is done sharing, reflect back what you heard them saying. Then, check-in and ask whether or not you heard them accurately.
Next, Acknowledge Their Feelings – Reflect back what you heard them say about their feelings. If you can understand why they feel as they do, say so. If not, then let them know that you hear what they’re saying and thank them for sharing. You can also let them know that you’re going to take some to think more about what they shared.
Take Responsibility for Your Part – If you can see that you have contributed something negative in the interaction between you and your partner, then admit it and apologize. Be specific about what parts you can own. This does not mean you’re taking responsibility for everything – since, in most human interactions, both parties have contributed to the problem.
Wait to Share Your Thoughts and Feelings until after you’ve ensured your partner feels heard. More often than not, both partners are having some feelings about the conflict. Both partners need the opportunity to speak and feel heard, but you have to take turns. Otherwise, it devolves into two people talking at each other and no one gets heard or understood.
Complain About Behavior without attacking character. Be specific about the behavior that bothers you and the larger issue that you feel this behavior points to, but without making judgements about your partner’s character or motives.
Avoid Blaming and Shaming – When we’re angry and have run out of patience with a situation, it is extremely tempting to focus on who’s to blame and to talk a lot about why something happened. In most cases, this is a waste of time and energy and will only trigger defensiveness and resistance.
Drain the Anger & Irritation Out of Your Messaging – Watch your volume, tone of voice, facial expressions, and body language. Anger breeds anger. Contempt breeds contempt. Anger and irritation tend to escalate the emotional intensity of interactions, which makes it more likely that one or both partners will have difficulty staying engaged. If you want to make it more likely that your partner will hear and understand what you’re saying and if you want to increase the odds of successfully resolving your conflict, then make every effort to keep your communication as calm and neutral as possible.
Take a Collaborative Position – talk as if you both have a mutual problem to be resolved, as opposed to talking as if you have a problem with your partner. Work to use mostly “I” and “we” language, and be very careful about how you use the word “you.” A common I-statement format is: “I feel ____, when you ____, because ____. I would like ____.” Don’t cheat and use I-statements to express unhelpful thoughts, like: “I feel like you’re an idiot!” or “I feel like this is the logical option.” If you say “I feel…” then what comes next should be an emotion word. “We” language might look like, “We have this pattern where…” or “We keep getting stuck at this point…”
Focus on Solutions – Don’t lose sight of fact that the whole goal of conflict is finding a resolution. Keep yourself focused on potential solutions, as this is the way out of the conflict maze! And, remember that compromise is the name of the game. Start with what each of you want and then expand your solution-seeking brainstorming to anything that would give each of you most of what you’re after. Get creative! Keep in mind the deeper essence of what you each need/desire, as there’s often more than one way to meet a need or fulfill a desire.
Works Cited
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/inside-out/201308/do-you-and-your-partner-fight-fair
