Conflict is an inevitable part of any close relationship. Most people dislike engaging in conflict and some people even go out of their way to avoid it. But, resolving conflict doesn’t have to be an exhausting, soul-sucking experience. The following is a list of the relational bad habits and conflict resolution missteps that result in “unfair fighting.” If you want to make conflict resolution less painful, make a commitment to root these out of your relationships.
Attacking Character, instead of complaining about behavior, is a surefire way to trigger defensiveness. This approach assigns the motive for the problem behavior to a flaw at the core of the other partner’s personality. This is exceptionally unhelpful because, if it’s true, then this kind of character flaw cannot be fixed and the other partner is incapable of change. So, what’s the point of engaging in the conflict? This language is also very shaming and defeating.
Bringing Up the Nuclear Option only makes things worse. Partners often bring up separation or divorce when they are beyond frustrated and desperate to escape the intense negative emotions they’re experiencing in the conflict. Sometimes, partners do this in an attempt to “wake up” their partner, to show how intense their hurt and anger are, or in an attempt to shut-down the conflict or to strong-arm their partner into getting what they want. But, whatever the motivation for bringing up the nuclear option, it almost always just triggers more hurt, fear, and anger and it tears down the trust in the relationship.
Defending Your Position is the most common default response when people are confronted with conflict. Yet, it is a response borne out of insecurity. I get defensive because I think someone’s falsely accusing me, attacking me, or attributing false motives to me. If I was really secure in myself, would I be so desperate to prove them wrong? Or, would I be able to take a deep breath and calmly explain my position – in an effort to bring the other person clarity and NOT in an attempt to convince them to see things my way or to win their approval?
Disengaging is when one partner ceases to be emotionally present or invested in the interaction. They’re still physically present, but they’ve stopped working to address the problem. This is often a way of coping with overwhelming unpleasant emotions. This is different than asking for a time-out to calm down. Both parties need to be able to call a time-out when needed. Whoever calls the time-out needs to verbalize it kindly and calmly and they are responsible for initiating reengagement.
Emotional Blackmail is when one partner “punishes” the other for bringing up a complaint or concern. This can be done through raging, guilt trips, shaming, and many other means. This can be either a conscious or a unconscious process. The net result is often that it shuts down the conflict and makes it less likely that the other partner will verbalize concerns in the future, which often leads to resentment and bitterness down the road.
Labeling Feelings as Right or Wrong Many couples waste a lot of time trying to determine whose feelings are more legitimate. The idea being that whoever’s feelings are more justified is in the right and should get what they want. This is wasted effort, as feelings are neither right nor wrong; they are just our reactions to our lived experience. We all want our feelings to be heard, acknowledged, and understood. But, if we feel like acknowledging our partner’s feelings is going to mean they “win,” then guess what we’re not going to do?
Low Blows involve one partner saying things or bringing up material from the past that is likely to wound or shut down their partner, but which doesn’t have any bearing on the current conflict. This would include things like name calling, cursing at your partner, or bringing up memories that are especially painful, shameful, or embarrassing for them.
Mindreading is when you express what you think your partner is thinking and feeling, but in a way that makes it sound like you know this better than they do. Most people find this highly offensive. Let your partner speak for him/herself and focus on verbalizing your own thoughts and feelings.
Not Minding Your Tone and Volume are two non-verbal variables that have a huge impact on conflict resolution. How you say it is just as important (and maybe even more so) as what you say.
Not Taking Responsibility for one’s part in the issue at hand just about guarantees that the conflict will not be resolved. This is not the same as accepting blame for the whole problem. Each partner should take responsibility for what they have contributed to the conflict. In my experience, it is rare for one partner to have zero contribution. But, this does not mean that responsibility is always split 50%-50%, either. Don’t be afraid to apologize, for your part. This demonstrates maturity and a collaborative mindset.
Not Talking About Solutions Many couples get bogged down in talking about the problem, what led to it, who’s responsible, etc… But then, they seem to lose sight of the whole goal of conflict – finding resolution. Keep yourself focused on potential solutions, as this is the way out of the conflict maze.
Taking an Adversarial Position is most people’s natural, default position during conflict. But, it is the very thing that prolongs conflict and makes it all the harder to resolve. An adversarial position promotes the mindset that someone’s going to win this conflict and someone’s going to lose. In most conflicts, what we’re looking for is the win-win option – the compromise where each party gets most of what they want.
Using Always and Never language escalates conflict. First off, it’s technically inaccurate – there are very few things in life that always or never happen. As a result, this language is a distraction. If you accuse your partner of always or never doing something, they are going to focus on the times (however few they might be) when that was not the case and miss the larger point of your statement.
Works Cited
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/inside-out/201308/do-you-and-your-partner-fight-fair
