Reigniting Romance and Passion
We have all heard the jokes about the “friend zone”. Some guy and some girl are friends, even best friends, and one of them has romantic feelings for the other but the other person does not seem to reciprocate those feelings. Have you ever felt something like this in your marriage? Do you feel like passion and romance are things of the past? Sure, you go out to dinner once in a while but maybe it’s more of a break from the kids than intentionally building the bond between the two of you. Sex for many couples, especially couples with young children, becomes more an obligation than a fun priority. What can we do to get out of this rut? Here are some tips you can follow to get out of that marital friend zone.
- Talk about your sex life. Talk about what you like with your spouse. Perhaps you need to redefine what you mean by “sex”. Sex changes over the course of a long-term relationship so revisiting what you mean by “sex” is important. Treat it as an ongoing conversation. Be patient, gentle, positive and learn to compromise with each other.
- Learn how to initiate sex and refuse it gently. Refusing it gently is more for the ladies, but it goes for the men too. Many men complain that their wives can be pretty harsh when refusing sex. It can often come across as a criticism which in turn feels like a rejection of them which can lead them to feel unwanted and unattractive. Do this enough and a man can begin to shut down sexually. Guys, eventually our wives get tired of the old “You wanna have sex?” routine. Come up with some rituals that let your wife know what you want and don’t demand it on the spot.
- Create what Dr. John Gottman calls “Sexual Love Maps”. These are taking Gottman’s Love Maps exercise and applying it to sex. Questions like “What felt good last time?” and “What do you need to make sex better?” If you want more explicit questions to ask your spouse check Dr. John Gottman’s book What Makes Love Last?
If you find yourself in the marital friend zone please consider these points and if you need more intensive care you can seek out counseling.
