I believe every parent of a teenager has at some point asked. “Who are you and what have you done with my child?’ As a mother of two teenagers, and a therapist who mostly works with teenagers, I completely understand. Even though we often don’t understand their behaviors, I try to inform parents, they are doing exactly what their brains are telling them to do.
As adults, we tend to respond to situations with our prefrontal cortex, which is the rational part of our brain responsible for impulse control, decision making, memory, focus, long term consequences, and language. Teenagers are more inclined to respond with their amygdala or the emotional brain, which is responsible for emotions, alerting us for danger, protection, fear, and the flight/fight response. So when parents ask, “What were you thinking?” the answer is, they weren’t. A large portion of their rational brain hasn’t developed. This doesn’t develop in females until around the age of 23 and in males, age 26.
Here are some helpful tips I offer to the parents of my teenager clients:
Model Adulting
They see all the behaviors you are modeling and hear all of the words you say. They may not listen but they do hear you. They may seem to be ignoring your advice, but your actions and words are penetrating. Consistently show them the way. They will follow even if they detour many, many times before they reach the destination.
Let them figure things out for themselves
Allow them to experience the consequences of their actions so they will learn from them. Offer a little more grace in order to help them understand they can figure things out for themselves. The more they do, the more confidence and resilience they will develop.
Tell them about you as a teenager
Let them in on the stories of the crazy things you did as a teen, and what you learned from them. Then give them space to do the same.
Help me with perspective
Keep reminding them of the big picture. They might let you know in no uncertain terms that you can’t possibly understand any of what they are going through. They are listening. It’s hard for them to see anything beyond their current life and issues. Help them scan out and focus on the long term and future. Remind them this moment will pass.
Be kind and firm
They will learn kindness from you and if you are relentless in your kindness and boundaries with them, they will imitate this behavior. Don’t ever ridicule or shame. Remember, they think they know everything, just as we did at their age.
Show interest in the things they enjoy
Some days they will choose to share their interests with you, and it will make them feel good if you validate those interests, by at least acting interested.
Remember, this just a short phase of life, however, it can be one of the most impressionable phases that cultivates and creates the responsible adult we knew they could always become.
