Once the act of forgiveness is chosen, how does one do it? It is a process. There are things that impeded the process and things that facilitate it. Forgiveness can be immediately given but more often, genuine forgiveness often takes time. However, it does not just “go away with time” either. It is not just sweeping hurt under the proverbial mat and going on as if the wrong done doesn’t really matter. It is NOT excusing or making excuses for the offense and/or the offender. Also, sometimes we are reluctant to say the hurt matters because we may not want to escalate a situation. But denying that we were hurt and trying to go on as if nothing happen is like ignoring an infected wound. The wound just festers and begins to destroy more and more of us. Also, forgiveness is not forgetting; especially if the hurt is deep such as in cases of betrayal, infidelity, or abuse.
We can forgive, but we need to remember too so we can protect ourselves and our loved ones from being hurt by the same person or a similar situation. Lastly, and this is important to grasp, forgiveness giving does not wait for the offender to ask to be forgiven. Giving forgiveness does not require that the offender apologize or ask to be forgiven. Forgiveness doesn’t require the offender to even acknowledge they hurt us. We can forgive them in spite of whether they ask for forgiveness or not; acknowledge their wrong or not, apologize or not. Think of Jesus on the cross saying, “Father, forgive them. They don’t know what they are doing.” (Luke 23:34). While it is wonderful when the offender does admit and seek forgiveness, it is not always the case and sometimes is no longer possible.
The good news is, while we cannot control what others do, we can control what we do. We can choose and commit to the process of forgiveness. It is a process that can take time and, if needed, can be supported and facilitated through pastoral care or in therapy with a competent counselor. If we choose the work of forgiveness we are in good company with Jesus “…who, for the joy set before him, endured the cross, despising its shame….” (Hebrews 12:2), so he could forgive us.
Dr. Mack Harndon; PhD, founder and former director of Christian Psychological Services in Kansas City, MO, who pioneered Forgiveness Therapy, cites 6 stages in the process of forgiveness:
6 Stage Process of Forgiveness
Hurt – I must no longer deny it. I must admit I have been hurt.
Anger – I must allow myself to process my emotions of anger and grieve any losses in my life due to the wrong done to me.
Collecting Data – Factors which facilitate or inhibit forgiveness. Offense or offender related factors – severity of the wrong, acknowledgement by the offender that a person was wronged/hurt by them, offender has repented; is genuinely sorrowful and has authentic desire and determination to change and make repparations, relationship (or none) to the offended, intentionality (or none), the frequency or repeat of the offense. Offended related factors – commit to the process to forgive, choose forgiveness versus bitterness, gather facts pertaining to the offender’s own life, brokenness, environment, health, personality, etc. (not to excuse them, but to better understand how and or why they might be enabled to choose to hurt). Acknowledgement by the offended that I was wronged, I have pain and hurt, I have anger
Confrontation of the Offender – communication – even if the person is out of reach, not willing to communicate or no longer living, this can be done in several therapeutic and healing ways. Use of “I” statements rather than “you” statements help decrease defensiveness when confronting the offender and can create understanding and possibly empathy and sorrow in the offender for what their actions caused in the life of the offended.
Understanding and Reframing – Exemplified by Jesus on the cross who said, “Forgive them, for they know not what they do.” (Luke 23:24).
Prayer asking God to help me forgive – Sometimes we cannot forgive without God’s help. Years after being freed from a concentration camp during WW2, Corrie ten Boom experienced God’s help to let go of her hate and forgive the SS guard who abused her sister who died in the camp and often spoke of this in talks she gave on forgiveness (See Bibliography). Deepening in acceptance of God’s unconditional love and forgiveness for me, empowers my ability to forgive. (1John 4:18-19, 1 John 1:9, Colossians 3:13)
Releasing the offender from having to pay a penalty – (this refers to an emotional or spiritual penalty though legal justice might be, and in some cases should be sought) and genuinely seeking their welfare and good. “Father, into your hands I commit my spirit.” (Luke 23:46; “It is finished.” (John 19:30) Dr. Lewis Smedes, former professor of ethics at Fuller Theological Seminary wrote, “You know you have truly forgiven when you can genuinely wish the other person well.”2
In some cases, reconciliation or coming together can be a seventh stage. A note here, reconciliation takes two and we cannot control another person or make them repent and change their hearts and behavior. That is why God only commands us to do what we can do. We can only control what we ourselves chose to do. Therefore, reconciliation is not always possible and sometimes is not advisable such as in where the offender is abusive and dangerous. In some cases, the offender refuses to admit wrong doing so reconciliation is not possible. However, if the one who offended us is truly sorry, repents and desires to reconcile, this may be possible. It still does not mean we necessarily make space and time to be together with them. But we can forgive them and accept their apology and go on our way.
I reflect on the challenge to forgive in my own life. Some people and things were easier to forgive than others. There are still some I continue to struggle to forgive. But I’m okay with that. I know it is a process, and the journey is rarely a smooth one. Yet I am more than willing to take that journey for I have seen the havoc and destruction unforgiveness creates in individuals, in families to generation upon generation and the fallout in whole communities, countries and cultures when the path of unforgiveness is chosen. Unforgiveness leads to bitterness, revenge, hate and war. It keeps its victim in bondage to fear and hate. Giving forgiveness is powerful for it sets us free to live lives free from the trap of continued hurt and pain. When we forgive, we are no longer a victim. We are free. And it is from this “letting go” of our hate and desire to see the other suffer that we are free to “wish them well” and live well ourselves.
Resources:
Harndon, Mack (1986), Seminar: Forgiven: The Healing Factor of Co-Dependency and Other Addictions. Kansas City, MO: Christian Psychological Services.Smedes, Lewis (1984), Forgive and Forget, Healing the Hurts We Don’t Deserve. San Francisco, CA: Harper and Row.
Stoop, David (2003), Forgiving What You’ll Never Forget. Grand Rapids: Revel, Baker Publishing Group.
The Holy Bible, New International Version (2011). Grand Rapids: Zondervan.
Webster (1997), The New International Webster’s Pocket Dictionary of the English Language; revised edition. USA: Ferguson Publishing Company.
Worthington Jr., Everett L. (2003), Forgiving and Reconciling, Bridges to Wholeness and Hope. Downers Grove: Intervarsity Press.
Note: The author under the directorship of Dr. Mack Harndon, PhD, and with the staff of Christian Psychological Services, helped facilitate Forgiveness Workshops and Seminars in KC, MO, 1984-1990.
