How many of us were raised by parents who actively prepared us for dating relationships? I’d wager, not many. Yet, for the vast majority of people, dating relationships are formative experiences – sometimes for good and other times for ill. Why not give your kid the best possible chance of making these relationships positive learning experiences? Casual conversations usually work better, with teens, than lengthy lectures. So, sit your kid down, keep the following points in mind, and you’ll be on your way!
Help them think through the purpose of dating.
For most teens, dating is driven by the desire to be like peers, to know they are attractive and desirable, and to express their budding sexuality. These typical reasons are fine, as far as they go. But, it’s important for your child to consider other, bigger-picture purposes – like practicing being in a romantic relationship, developing their emotional communication and conflict resolution skills, and clarifying what qualities and traits they want in a life partner.
Help your child create a list of the traits and qualities they’d like to have in a dating partner.
Everybody wants a “hot” boyfriend or girlfriend. And, physical attraction is an important part of the equation. But, on its own, it’s hardly the foundation of a quality relationship. Ask open-ended questions that get them to think about a potential partner’s character. It’s also beneficial to ask your child to what extent they embody the qualities for which they’re looking in a partner – since we tend to attract people who are like us.
Make sure your child has a solid foundation of sex education.
They should know their anatomy and the basics of how sex works. Hopefully, you’ve had several of these conversations with your child and laid the foundation for open and honest conversations about dating and sexuality. If not, there’s no time like the present to get started. But, assume that your child has already learned a lot from peers. Ask questions to assess where there might be gaps in their understanding.
Talk about their boundaries surrounding physical affection.
I am amazed at how many teens are never asked about this. If young people have thought about this before starting to date, they are much more likely not to go further – physically – than they want to. It’s good to ask your child how they’re planning to set themselves up for success – in other words, what are they going to do (or not do) in order to make it easier for them to stick to their boundaries and not succumb to temptation in the heat of the moment? If you have expectations about how your child expresses their sexuality, for moral or religious reasons, it is good to bring this up in this conversation. Explain why you think it’s important and beneficial to abstain from sex until marriage or until they’re older or until they’re in a long-term committed relationship. Yet, it’s also important to acknowledge the reality that, if your teen doesn’t agree with your philosophy, they may go ahead and become sexually active sooner than you’d like. In case that’s what happens, make sure they have the necessary knowledge to secure sexual healthcare and contraception for themselves.
Stress the point that no one has any business dating unless they have the ability to communicate assertively.
Assertive communication is the ability to say what we really think and feel, honestly and directly, in a way that preserves relationship. What does this have to do with dating teens? Your child needs to be able to say no to potential suitors in whom they are not interested. Your child needs to able to be their authentic self, express preferences, navigate disagreements, and say “no” to the person whom they’re dating. Your child needs to be able to end relationships that have run their course. Assertive communication also means knowing how to escalate conflict when the other person is ignoring our perspective.
Give your child a crash course in healthy conflict resolution.
Remind them that it’s not about who’s right and who’s wrong. It’s about active listening and coming to mutual understanding, in order to find mutually agreeable compromises and solutions.
Talk about the warning signs of a relationship turning toxic.
Disrespect/ contempt
Manipulation/coercion
Control
Physical aggression/violence
Discuss what each of these might look like in a dating relationship and brainstorm how they might respond assertively to each.
Talk to your child about how-to breakup well.
Remind them that how they breakup is a reflection of their character. It should be done with respect. It should be honest, but kind. It should be done in-person, if at all possible. Remind them that break-ups are a normal and expected part of dating. Unless they’re going to marry the person, they’re dating, the relationship will always end with a break-up. Most teens don’t consider this obvious truth.
