Trying to forgive ourselves and others isn’t easy. It’s important to remember, none of us are perfect. According to Schafer (2016), “Forgiveness is not a feeling. Forgiveness is an action. We must consciously decide to forgive someone who has fallen short of our expectations. We must act to forgive and not wait until forgetfulness softens the pain of disappointment. Forgiveness is an active process whereby we make conscious decisions, in worst case scenarios, daily decisions, to follow through on the act of forgiveness, regardless of our feelings. If forgiveness relied on feelings few people would be forgiven”
Giving and receiving forgiveness can be difficult. Granting forgiveness can be difficult because forgiving can elicit things such as: expectations, fears, and resistance to forgiveness.
Some questions to ask yourself:
What is your perspective on forgiveness?
Is your perspective different for the wrongdoer then it is for the victim?
What are your expectations of forgiveness?
What are your fears of forgiveness?
What is your resistance to forgiveness?
Do you need professional help in learning about forgiveness?
Some people believe forgiveness is not possible unless the wrongdoer owns up to the wrong and seeks forgiveness. Holding grudges keeps you away from your ability to move forward to forgiveness and healing.
Refusal to grant forgiveness can be used as a defense mechanism to shield the victim from any other harmful actions from the wrongdoer. On the other hand, if forgiveness is granted without repentance and action the victim could risk becoming vulnerable to more bad behavior from the wrongdoer. Try to remember what Jesus asked His Father, “Father, if you are willing, take this cup from me; yet not my will, but yours be done.”
Unfortunately, for the victim, the myths regarding forgiveness seem to abound more than the truth of transferring trust to God. Some victims find it difficult to trust God, finding forgiveness difficult to grasp if God allow the wrongdoing to occur in the first place. Consider this, instead of asking God where He was when you needed Him, maybe it’s better to ask the question where am I with my circumstances and in the courage I need from God to get through the wrongdoing that has occurred in my life. If you find yourself stuck and can’t forgive others, it’s important to consider professional help with a clinician or pastor who cares and understands how to help you get unstuck.
Schafer, Jack. 2016, Psychology Today, 2019 Sussex Publishers, LLC.
