Focus on maintaining emotional connection with your child.
Instead of focusing on the problematic behavior, first seek to find out what’s going on emotionally with the child. If you can get to the emotion, you can get to the heart of the problem and, most of the time the behavior will correct itself. Offer empathy for what your child is feeling and connect with them on an emotional level. Then talk about more appropriate ways for them to express or vent their feelings.
When shaping a child’s behavior, it’s all about choices and consequences.
Don’t waste energy trying to “force” your child to behave – it will only lead to a battle of wills. Focus instead on offering choices and consequences that will motivate your child to make the right choice. Whenever possible, make sure the child understands the potential consequences (both positive and negative) before they make the choice.
Staying calm is key.
Children tend to match the emotional intensity of their parents. If you are emotionally charged when you engage with your child, their emotional intensity will escalate. It’s easier for children to think about and change their behavioral choices if they aren’t distracted by your emotional response. Plus, you’ll find discipline less draining and you’ll feel more in-control if you remain in an “emotionally-neutral” state of mind.
Pick your consequences carefully and make sure you follow through.
Pick consequences that fit the offense and are proportionate to the situation. Make sure their enforcement isn’t a major hassle for you. Don’t offer consequences unless you are really willing to follow through. It’s better to offer no consequence than to offer one and not follow through. Then you are actually training your child to not listen to you.
Give consequences for observable behavior only.
Discipline should address observable behavior, not intangible things like your child’s emotional reaction to a situation, motives, or lack of empathy for others. It’s important to talk about these intangible parts of your child’s reaction in order to encourage character development, emotional awareness, and ethical decision-making. Too many parents give consequences based upon their interpretations of what’s going on inside their child’s heart and mind, which no one but your child knows for certain. If you’re interpretation is wrong, then you’ll build frustration and resentment, as well as inviting arguments about things neither of you can prove nor disprove.
