Maybe the mere appearance of the word Shame causes you to feel something. Perhaps you remember hearing someone speak about shame, and you walked away feeling confused, or worse, you felt hopeless. Maybe you recall a memory, or you might even be able to recognize how it felt in your body.
In a previous article we’ve looked at a simple and good sense of shame. But, in the average conversation or presentation regarding shame we encounter the bad, or negative sense of shame. Perhaps the most popular adverb connected to a negative sense of shame is “toxic”.
Negative shame (Toxic)
Toxic shame is a sense of shame that does not recognize any healthy boundaries within the self. We might describe a toxic sense of shame as malignant humility – it eats away at our core self. This malignant humility does not recognize much of or any idea of dignity or self-worth.
Toxic shame is alien; it does not have its natural origin in us as individuals. Toxic shame does not reside in our DNA like a genome that carries the code for cancer. Toxic shame is communicated from one person to another.
So how do we get this Toxic Shame?
Maybe you’ve heard, or know these phrases or ideas in your life, or in your mind:
• “What is wrong with you?”
• “You are worthless.”
• “You are hopeless.”
• “I don’t know why I put up with you.”
Or, maybe you know these behaviors from other people in your life:
• When others are upset or disappointed with you,
o they don’t talk to you.
o they don’t look at you.
o they struggle to compose themselves in your presence.
o they deny a clear communication of their emotions toward you.
o they have others deal or communicate with you.
o they clearly imply that you are the reason for any and all of the above.
In essence, the other person says, “I’m not the problem, you ARE.”
With that essential idea communicated in some way, the seed idea of “…you ARE not worthy.” takes hold and begins to show the tender shoots of the toxic weed that says, “I AM not worthy.”
This is toxic shame. Toxic shame brings no blessing, no hope. Toxic shame cannot build, it cannot reach. Toxic shame imprisons by convincing us that we deserve to be imprisoned within ourselves. Toxic shame convinces us that we should turn the prison door around so that the lock faces the inside of our cell. Toxic shame enchants us to believe that the key to the lock will not work to open the door.
Toxic shame is a liar.
Regardless of who gave it to us, or even how many contributed to it. Toxic shame is by its very nature a liar. When toxic shame’s lips are moving, you know it is lying.
Toxic shame doesn’t like the fact that I’ve written any of this. Toxic shame doesn’t like that you’ve read this.
Perhaps you hear the hinges of that prison door whining as it now sits ajar, inviting your departure from the cell.
