26 “In your anger do not sin”[d]: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, 27 and do not give the devil a foothold. (Ephesians 4:26-27 NIV)
Many people who are married are aware that one of the biggest challenges in marriage is handling conflict between the spouses. There are a number of topics that can lead to conflict. The challenge is that often the focus can move from the issue to the other party. One can become angry in response to what your spouse does or doesn’t do, as well as what is said or not said. One of the books I have been reading lately focuses on the topic of anger and after defining it, the author transitions to the need and ways to deal with that anger.
In the above scripture verse 27 is a good focal point, “…do not give the devil a foothold.” One reality is that temptation is around us. This includes within marriage! The enemy seeks to kill and destroy, as we often are reminded, and only needs to get a foot in the door. I believe this happens a lot in marital conflict. With this in mind, I offer this plan from Gary Chapman’s book on anger for dealing with anger with your spouse. I would encourage you to read the chapter for further explanation.
- Acknowledge the reality of your anger and that it is not sinful to be angry.
- Acknowledge your anger to each other.
- Agree that exploding (verbally or physically) on the other is not allowed.
- Seek clarification before acting on the anger. (Many of our conflicts involve some degree of misunderstanding in either words, motives, or thoughts. Sometimes we filter other’s words and actions through how we feel first and then react.)
- Both agree to seek a resolution. (Unresolved feelings often linger like hot coals after the flames go out. A slight breeze can reignite them!)
- Verbalize your love for each other. (Conflict is usually not easy but your love for each other is the “why” for engaging in the process. If conflict is for winning or proving yourself right and/or the other wrong then there is no love in that!)
(Chapman, Gary. (2015). Anger: Taming a Powerful Emotion. Chicago, IL: Moody Publishing. Pp. 138-140)
