This was the title of a book that I purchased as part of a book list for a course in graduate school. It was a recommendation, but not required. My personality doesn’t want to miss anything, so I purchased the whole list. The book arrived. It’s more of a booklet, but across the top of the front of the book it simply says, “What Am I Feeling?” in blue letters. The cover photo of the book is a close-up of a very young girl in a summer dress, sitting in the shade with her head in her hands as she looks at the ground. The simple question that is the title, and the picture, communicate vulnerable introspection. At the time I wasn’t pursuing my counseling degree, but the course was the first class for introducing an integration of counseling with pastoral leadership and care.
I read the title, looked at the picture, and immediately tossed it on my bookshelf with a curt, unspoken rejection of the idea.
Only after about eight years, after I had completed my counseling degree and been in practice as a therapist, did I ever open the book. I never got rid of the book, but I never seemed to forget how it made me feel. Ironic, isn’t it? When I opened it, the binding was stiff, just as any unused book would be. I glanced at the content and realized that I not only had come to know all that the book contained, but I had begun to know it at a level of living it.
The book itself has become a symbol and metaphor for my emotional life journey, and for the emotional life journeys of others whom I encounter. We can often reject our emotions out of hand as silly, unnecessary, or even dangerous. We may have been taught as children that our emotions are unwelcome, intrusive, selfish, or even sinful. As adults the expression of emotions is stiff and awkward, and we may fear that if we open this ‘book’ the seeming rigidity of the binding may break, leaving us in a worse state than we started.
Emotions are more resilient than the spine of any book.
Emotions are essential to who we are.
Emotions are the foundation of any of our actions.
Emotions are the color of our experiences.
Emotions are essential threads in the fabric of our mind and body.
An expressive emotional life may feel stiff and awkward at first, but in time and with practice our emotional life becomes part of a seamless between all of the parts of ourselves. Our emotions integrate us within ourselves. Our emotions allow us to think clearly, and to activate our strength.
What are you feeling?
