“We need to take the whole line back to formula.” ~Dr. Stromm
Sometimes the seemingly inconvenient wisdom serves us best. In an age when mental health can be a buzz term in blogs, podcasts, sermons, and corporate campaigns, it can be good to establish a clearer understanding of what we’re talking about. As we saw in Spider-Man (2002), when Dr. Stromm’s wisdom was rejected, the results of an error affected an entire city. In an effort to go “back to formula” and provide some solid understanding in our info-frenzied world I want to briefly discuss Shame. We’ll start with good shame.
Pia Mellody, an author and clinician, discussed shame as a “special” emotion. Good shame “lets us know that we are imperfect, or human, and not [God], helping us to be accountable for who we are…” Pia goes on to indicate that shame assists us in relationships.
We might safely associate good shame with humility.
Good shame is also a nuanced experience, and so we have only discussed a simple definition, but perhaps it is a good place to begin to see some of the varied meanings. Another simple distinction that needs to be made regarding shame is between good shame and bad shame. We are currently discussing “good” shame. Shame can be experienced as a sense of awkwardness, or embarrassment.
Good shame reminds us of who we are, particularly when we step, or perhaps stumble beyond the boundaries of our abilities, understanding, or awareness. Good shame is like a soft bungee cord that is tied to our core, pulling us gently back into the boundaries and limitations of ourselves. Good shame allows, even enables us to acknowledge our mistakes, our faux pas, even our foolishness.
I have spoken of things I don’t know, or know little about, in order to feel like I’m enough to others, whom I desire admiration from. I have come to conclusions based upon insufficient evidence, and I have been found incorrect. I have said things, not knowing that my words were causing pain to someone who overheard me nearby. Good shame allows me to be aware of how I, in these moments, have trespassed outside of my limitations as a finite and broken person. Good shame allows me the opportunity to return to good limitations of myself, rebuild what I have damaged, and continue to build good relationships with others, and God.
Sources:
Mellody, Pia. (2003). Facing Codependency: What It Is, Where It Comes From, How It Sabotages Our Lives. 95-96.
