As a couple’s counselor, I hear the C-Word a lot as a complaint in my office: communication. Every couple who walks into a counseling office has better communication as a goal. They talk about how they struggle to communicate and manage conflict. Fights escalate and problems are left unaddressed and unresolved. Bitterness and resentment begin to set in, and the two partners feel themselves feeling distant from each other. While it is important to address communication, listening skills, and conflict management, these are symptoms of something else. What these couples are missing from their relationship is play. They have stopped dating each other, stopped having sex, and struggle to laugh together.
The issue with just focusing on communication and conflict management skills is that it does not truly address what distinguishes a marriage from all other relationships. You can try to teach arch enemies how to better communicate but that does not make them besties. Why should we expect the same in couples counseling? When we first started dating our partner, they were the number one person we wanted to be around. The relationship was almost all about play. The fondness, admiration, romance, and fun were a part of almost every interaction. We would put effort into going on adventures together. We then get married and start having kids. We lose sight of the importance of recreation and friendship. Sure, we may watch a show every now and then, but that is about the only recreational thing we do during the week. We may go on a date once in a while on anniversaries, birthdays, and holidays, but we do that more because of social convention than actually celebrating each other. Over time, we begin to feel emotionally distant and all we are left with is a roommate with whom we share the kids and the bills. The absence of friendship, which fosters the positive sentiment override in the relationship, leads to escalating conflict and breakdown of communication. We may tolerate it for a while but eventually it becomes too much and this is about the time couples rush to find a counselor to help resolve their communication issues. Little do they know; the restoration of their friendship is the key. If you and your partner can learn how to have mutual respect for and enjoyment of each other’s company you will find yourself with more hope and joy, even when conflict gets out of hand. If you only work on communication in counseling, you’re only preparing yourselves to be good coparents, not a couple.
There are multiple ways to rebuild friendship. Think about what friends do. They get to know each other’s worlds. Get to know your partner’s inner world; their fears, triumphs, and what brings them joy. Appreciate them for their redeeming qualities instead of criticizing them for their quirks and shortcomings. A book I would strongly recommend for couples is Dr. John Gottman’s Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. This book has exercises couples can practice at home and on dates to rebuild their friendship. And do not worry, there are chapters on conflict management. The point is that every successful relationship is built on a deep friendship. Couples who play together, stay together.
