Creating boundaries is a common topic in therapy. We all know we need them, but few are sure how to use them. The most important point about boundaries is that boundaries are about the person who is setting the boundary, not about the person or situation for which the boundary is created. Many clients tell me they set the boundary, but the situation or person continues to “cross” that boundary.
The question to my clients is always, “what did you do when the boundary was crossed?”. Often, they will tell me they were mad and frustrated but continued in the situation not changing their behavior or response. Sometimes my clients clearly communicated and established their boundary and still the boundary is crossed. A boundary is a tool to obtain information. The information informs you of the health of the person or situation in which you are involved. From the information you can then measure how the situation “measures up” to the value by which you set your boundary (see article Rule my Life).
When setting a boundary define what value the boundary is protecting. Do you feel disrespected? Does the interaction involve a lack of integrity? Is there a part of the deal that isn’t honest? Focus on the personal value you are trying to protect. Create your boundary according to protecting the defined value and then decide the action you will take to maintain the boundary. The application and fulfillment of boundaries are the responsibility of the boundary maker, not the boundary violator. Often, we point to the boundary violator or violation and place blame on their lack of ability to follow the boundary maker. Boundary violations are information that allows the boundary maker to choose to enforce the boundary and in turn confirm the defined value for which the boundary was created.
Boundary creation and application take practice. Take the time to define your values (see article Rule My Life) and the need and use for boundaries in your life become crystal clear!
