Have you noticed some dissatisfaction in your relationship? Are you frequently feeling resentful and bitter toward your partner? Do you feel distant from your partner? Do arguments seem to go nowhere and only lead to more resentment? If this describes you and your relationship, then it may be time to seriously consider getting some relationship counseling.
There are many factors which contribute to the success of relationship counseling. These factors include commitment from both partners, rapport with the clinician, and methods used in counseling. Another factor that often goes unnoticed is the timing of counseling. In my experience, and according to research, many couples wait too long to seek help. According to relationship researcher, Dr. John Gottman, couples wait an average of six years to seek relationship help. That is a lot of water under the bridge! For some couples, by the time they sit down for their first session, it may be too late. One or both partners have checked out of the relationship and counseling is their final “Hail Mary” before throwing in the towel.
I see major differences in couples who come to counseling not long after they recognize a problem versus couples who wait years after a problem has been identified. The couples who do not wait are much more committed which leads them to soak in the interventions and exercises much more quickly and efficiently. Their friendship is usually not on life support and negative sentiment override has not completely taken over their perception of the relationship. Couples who have waited years to seek professional help struggle to self-soothe, turn towards each other, escalate quickly, and are stuck in what Dr. Gottman calls the “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse” (Criticism, Defensiveness, Contempt, and Stonewalling/Shutting Down). These couples take little to no responsibility for their contribution to the dysfunction. The focus is on how their partner is not measuring up and put downs are frequent. These couples have to work very hard to recover their friendship and re-establish healthy ways of interacting. If this describes your relationship then it is strongly encouraged to seek some professional support.
Counseling does not have to be just for people who are in crisis mode. Even if you think your issues are not a big deal it is always a good idea to get some professional support to deal with them before they do become the elephant in the room. There are counselors and therapists who are ready to come along side you. Counseling can also assist you in strengthening your relationship by addressing certain skills and providing a framework for things you may already be doing! Sometimes it is just good to have a professional by your side to process some things out loud. So, if you think you need counseling, do not wait!
