Summary of: Part I, Section Three (second half), “The Abusive Mentality”
From: “Why Does He Do That?” by Lundy Bancroft
Penguin Publishing Group. Kindle Edition.
If after reading Part I you found some of the “Realities” uncomfortably familiar, I empathize with your discomfort. I know you may be feeling a strange mix of sadness, anxiety, clarity, anger, and relief of finally hearing an explanation for why your partner treats you as he does. You may be feeling ambivalent – sensing that you’ve read something that has powerful implications for your life, but also feeling fearful of what it might mean for your relationship. Don’t be in a rush to slap a label on anything. Just take in the information and process it. You can take your time deciding what to do about it in the days ahead. Here are 5 more “Realities” about an abusive partner’s attitudes, values, and behavior, which might provide even more insight. As in the last article, while abusive partners can be of any gender, the vast majority are male, so male pronouns are used.
REALITY #6: He is manipulative (p. 65).
Manipulation is a more subtle way for an abusive partner to get his way. It also provides of means of confusing his partner, making her seem emotionally unstable, and making her doubt her own perception of reality.
Signs of Manipulation (p. 66):
- Changing his moods abruptly and frequently so that you find it difficult to tell who he is or how he feels, keeping you constantly off balance.
- Denying the obvious about what he is doing or feeling.
- Convincing you that what he wants you to do is what is best for you.
- Getting you to feel sorry for him so that you will be reluctant to push forward with your complaints about what he does.
- Getting you to blame yourself or blame other people, for what he does.
- Using confusion tactics in arguments, subtly or overtly changing the subject, insisting that you are thinking or feeling things that you aren’t, twisting your words.
- Lying or misleading you about his actions, his desires, or his reasons for doing certain things in order to guide you into doing what he wants you to do.
- Getting you and the people you care about turned against each other
REALITY #7: He strives to have a good public image (p. 68).
He may be:
- “Enraged at home, but calm and smiling outside
- Selfish and self-centered with you, but generous and supportive with others
- Domineering at home, but willing to negotiate and compromise outside
- Highly negative about females while on his own turf, but a vocal supporter of equality when anyone else is listening
- Assaultive toward his partner or children, but nonviolent and nonthreatening with everyone else
- Entitled at home, but critical of other men who disrespect or assault women”
Maintaining a charming, generous public image is part of how abusive partners hold on to power and control. This image keeps outsiders from suspecting what is really going on inside the home and makes it less likely that his partner will reach out for assistance – since she knows outsiders will have trouble believing what he’s like in private.
REALITY #8: He feels justified (p. 69).
“Abusers externalize responsibility for their actions, believing that their partners make them behave in abusive ways” (p.70). They may, at times, acknowledge their abusiveness. But, if pressed to go into detail about their abusive behavior, abusers tend to slide back into self-justification. “Abusive men are masters of excuse making. In this respect they are like substance abusers, who believe that everyone and everything except them is responsible for their actions. When they aren’t blaming their partners, they blame stress, alcohol, their childhood, their children, their bosses, or their insecurities (p. 70).
REALITY #9: Abusers deny and minimize their abuse (p. 71).
Many people don’t believe a woman’s claim that she’s being abused if her partner denies the abuse or minimizes the severity of it. The problem is that most people won’t press the man for details about specific examples of his abusive behavior or question his abusive attitudes and beliefs. If they did, they would likely see the man’s anger, entitlement, and self-justification on full display. “If [a] man is abusive, of course he is going to deny it, partly to protect himself and partly because his perceptions are distorted. If he were ready to accept responsibility for his actions in relationships, he wouldn’t be abusive” (p. 71). This reality doesn’t just make it harder for an abused partner to reach out for help from outsiders, it can also make her start to question her own sanity. “A woman can feel that she is losing her mind—or develop actual psychiatric symptoms—if the obvious realities of her life, including abuse, are denied repeatedly by her partner. If outsiders start to notice her instability, the abuser can use their observations to persuade them that her revelations of abuse by him are fantasies (p. 72).
REALITY #10: Abusers are possessive (p. 73).
“Possessiveness is at the core of the abuser’s mind-set, the spring from which all the other streams spout; on some level he feels that he owns you and therefore has the right to treat you as he sees fit” (p. 73).
An abusive man who isolates his partner does so primarily for two reasons:
- He wants her life to be focused entirely on his needs.
- He doesn’t want her to develop sources of strength that could contribute to her independence.
“Because of this mind-set, an abusive man tends to perceive any relationships that his partner develops, whether with males or females, as threats to him” (p. 74).
Key Points to Remember: (p. 75)
- Abuse grows from the attitudes and values of the abuser, not from his feelings. The roots are ownership, the trunk is entitlement, and the branches are control.
- Abuse and respect are opposites.
- Abusers cannot change unless they overcome their core of disrespect toward their partners.
- Abusers are far more conscious of what they are doing than they appear to be. However, even their less-conscious behaviors are driven by their core attitudes. Abusers are unwilling to be non-abusive, NOT unable. They do not want to give up power and control.
- You are not crazy. Trust your perceptions of how your abusive partner treats you and thinks about you.
If you think you might be in an abusive relationship, please call the “National Domestic Violence Hotline for the United States and Canada: 1-800-799-SAFE. Call this number to receive a referral to the closest hotline in your area for abused women. The use of this number is not restricted to women who have experienced physical violence: Women and teens are welcome to call with any issue regarding verbal abuse or control in a relationship, or just because something is happening in their relationship that is making them uncomfortable” (p. 391).
