Well, if there’s one thing I’ve learned, and continue to keep learning, it is that relationships are the messiest and hardest things we do on this planet and they require much of me. The unfortunate problem is if I don’t have healthy relationships with myself, God, and others, I don’t flourish. I don’t get to become the person God has in mind for me.
In the last article, Repairing Relationships – Part 2, I found myself caught in a deep conflict. Dr. Timothy Keller in his podcast sermon, Repairing Relationships, presents a choice that holds a lot of pain for me. I can either forgive the people who have offended me, or I don’t. If I don’t forgive, I become twisted in my heart and dwell repeatedly on the offenses that others did to me. I lose myself in resentment, grudge-holding, and superiority. I miss out on my capacity to love, forgive, understand, and release liability for the people who offended me, which for me means I don’t flourish. Ugh.
So, what do I do? How do I move forward?
Dr. Keller suggests this strategy for forgiveness.
- I must act out forgiveness. I won’t feel forgiveness, rather I must do a forgiving act. The feeling comes from doing a forgiving act. The forgiving act comes with steps 2-4.
- I must make a promise to stop repeating the offense over and over to myself.
- I must make a promise to stop repeating the offense over and over to others.
- I must make a promise to stop repeating the offense over and over to the person who offended me.
And in doing so, I free my heart from becoming twisted and feeding the seeds of hatred, gossip, and slander. I give myself permission to bear the offense of my offenders…OUCH! The only way out, according to Keller, is that “I must overcome evil with doing good.” In other words, I must positively will for their good. The only way I know that I’m overcoming evil and doing good is by asking myself this question: “Can I hurt more for them then I feel hurt by them?” This way informs me that I’m free in the heart from wishing my offenders ill-will. Only then do I have the capacity to resist my own feelings of superiority and release my offenders from liability. Pondering my hurt for them (not by saying “I feel so sorry for you!” as this is still a form of superiority); but rather how I earnestly realize their hurting is more important to me than how much I have been hurt by them.
Once I can honestly say I have repeatedly resisted my superiority, released my offenders from liability, and I can feel more hurt for them (again, not out of indignant pity but with compassionate understanding); then I’m able to have permission to confront the person. It’s only ok to come towards the offending person when I have dealt with the inner ill-will of my heart.
Sometimes, I don’t need to confront every offense when the opportunity arises. I must discern when the right time is to confront the offense. And when I follow Jesus’ leading of discernment and I’ve reckoned with my heart then, as Ephesians 4:15 states, I can “speak truth in love and become in every respect the mature body of Him who is the head, the Christ.”
What?!? Wow! This is so hard! How can I possibly do the spiritually and psychologically impossible task of repairing all of the offenses my kitchen remodeling contractors did to me? There is no way I can foist myself to do this.
But what choice to I have? I either become wise or I’m a fool. So, what is at the heart of relationship repair? “Vengeance is mine, says the Lord.” Yes, I agree. “Seize them!!” Dr. Keller says no. That’s not the way. Because when I say “seize them!!,” I’m a servant acting as a Lord, which doesn’t work. I’m a servant not a Lord. How do I know what these contractors deserve? What right do I have to ask God to seize their lives for my sake?
Dr. Keller strongly encourages me to take the Old Testament in the light of the New Testament. It’s only when I ponder the beauty and extravagance of what Jesus did for me – becoming a servant, taking my sins and the vengeance I deserve, and bearing my shame – that I can possibly do the spiritually and psychologically impossible. When I choose to see Jesus’ choice as Lord to become a servant, then and only then, can I understand what I’m called to do. So, the heart of the relationship repair doesn’t come from me. It comes from me knowing and understanding what Jesus did for me and allowing His love to cover my sins in order to free myself from the sins and offenses others have done to me.
Citation: Development, CastBox. “Repairing Relationships.” Repairing Relationships, 17 Dec. 2021, https://podcast.gospelinlife.com/e/repairing-relationships-1639685300/.
