In the previous article, Repairing Relationships Part 1, I talked about how I’m struggling to conceal my hatred and spread slander with the contractors who offended me throughout our kitchen remodeling process. It has been a painful journey to know how to manage my emotions, words, and actions when disappointment, hurt, and anger has ruled the experience. Dr. Timothy Keller’s sermon called Repairing Relationships is offering possibilities for my heart to consider. Keller is using the book of Proverbs to encourage me to consider the heart-reckoning that needs to happen when others offend me. In Keller’s sermon, he encourages me to consider the necessary components for relationship repair that afford freedom in the long run through the pain and suffering.
It is very important to realize how our hatred and slander cause us to do foolish things. According to Dr. Keller, “a fool is not someone who is acting silly rather someone who is being destructive” with their words and actions. Foolishness is responding to an offense with an equal or greater offense and taking vengeance into your own hands. Proverbs 24:28-29 says: “Do not testify about your neighbor without cause – would you use your lips to mislead? Do not say, “I’ll do to them to what they have done to me; I’ll pay them back for what they did.” You might ask, “Why not?” It seems justified to repay the contractors for what they did to me – slandering them on social media and to others in order to warn others of their poor work performance and to make sure no one pays the same price as I did.
Keller warns we are being foolish when we repay hatred and slander with equal or greater hatred and slander as we become “twisted in our hearts.” And, if it continues to linger, we can’t even see it in ourselves. Dr. Keller quotes a movie line from the The Last of the Mochians which says, “Magua’s heart is twisted. He would make himself into what twisted him.” Well, I certainly don’t want that!
Ok. So now what? I can’t share with others how bad the remodeling experience was for me in order to “feel better,” so what am I supposed to do?
Proverbs gives four components to moving towards relational repair:
- Resist superiority
- Release from liability
- Overcome evil with good
- Confront as necessary
Proverbs 11:12-13 says: “Whoever derides his neighbor has no sense, but the one who has understanding holds his tongue. A gossip betrays a confidence, but a trustworthy person keeps a secret.” What does this mean? Keller shares that “derides” means “to look down upon the person without a heart.” The only way we stay angry with someone is when we believe we are superior to them. When the sense of superiority is in our hearts, we are more apt to bring gossip and slander to ourselves and others. Keller speaks that “our sense of superiority is at the very core of what is wrong in our hearts.”
Being offended affords self-justification and our own self-righteousness goes into “hyperdrive” when we start to exaggerate the sins and flaws of the offending person to ourselves and others. We say to ourselves, “I would never do that.” We also underrate our own sense of vulnerability and proclivity to sin by exaggerating and projecting the “caricature” of the offending person. Keller shares claiming superiority and justifying myself is the very root of the “wrongness of my heart” and doesn’t afford me any possibility of sympathy and respect towards the offending person. So, I need to strongly resist the urge to afford my superiority and self-righteous, or I pay the price of losing my sense of respectful understanding and remaining the trustworthy person I want to be.
Ok. That’s hard. And not very relieving. So, how do I know if I’m holding the contractors liable or holding a deep resentment and grudge? The latter is when I dwell and tell myself over and over the offenses they have done to me. Proverbs 17:9 states “Whoever would foster love covers an offense, but whoever repeats the matter separates close friends.” According to Dr. Keller, “covers an offense” doesn’t mean to cover up an offense. It means to stop repeating the grudge and resentment over and over to myself and others. You don’t bring up the past sin and offense in anger to the offending person. In order to foster love and the possibility of forgiveness back into my life (which is my life’s goal), it’s my responsibility to stop repeating the sin and offense to myself or others as a means of making my contractors to pay for their offenses.
Dr. Keller shared that in order to foster love as Proverbs 17:9 states and “to cover an offense,” I must forgive. In other words, I must pay the price for their offense. UGH! That’s impossible. Why would I want to do that? Doesn’t he have any idea how much these contractor “clowns” did to me? To my family? Isn’t there another way, another answer?
Keller says no. I can either forgive or become a fool. If I don’t forgive, I become twisted into the very form that twisted me. Or I pay the price for what the offending person did to me, which means I hurtfully and painfully pay the price for their offenses. Oh my, that’s a heavy load. So how do I do this? Is this even possible? Tune into reading Repairing Relationships – Part 3.
Citation: Development, CastBox. “Repairing Relationships.” Repairing Relationships, 17 Dec. 2021, https://podcast.gospelinlife.com/e/repairing-relationships-1639685300/.
