The most common complaints I hear couples present when they sit down for their first session are about “poor communication” and/or a “lack of intimacy/affection.” There is a strong disconnect between the couple, and it has usually been that way for quite some time. A tool which I have found to address both communication and intimacy is Attunement. Attunement comes from the Sound Relationship House from Dr. John Gottman. It is an approach to having a conversation that leads to deepening intimacy. Gottman breaks the exercise down using the acronym ATTUNE:
Awareness: practicing awareness of your spouse’s emotional cues (body language and tone)
Turn Toward: engage your spouse in a loving conversation (“What’s going on honey?”)
Tolerance: tolerate your spouse’s difficult emotions without getting defensive or criticizing
Understanding: understand why your spouse is feeling what they are feeling
Non-defensive responding: respond to their emotions with patience and love rather than defending yourself
Empathy: express empathy toward your spouse by placing yourself in their shoes
Rules to follow when practicing Attunement:
- Prepare your environment for the conversation. Make sure the environment is calm, relaxed, and clear. Eliminate as many unnecessary distractions as possible. Clutter and rowdy kids can distract you from fully engaging with your partner.
- Ask open-ended questions. Ask questions that take you deeper with the emotion (e.g., “Tell me more about that”). Listen for emotions and “feeling words” (disappointed, betrayed, overwhelmed, etc.). These kinds of questions will help you experience greater understanding and empathy.
- SLOW DOWN. This is not a conversation to be done quickly. Take it slow. This is to help you grow in your understanding and empathy. Do not drive by the emotions of your spouse, but take a pit stop and spend time exploring them, even if they are difficult to hear.
Remember, this is about connecting with your spouse. A Bible verse that frames Attunement nicely is found in James 1:19, “My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry” (NIV).
