Several times in my life I have attempted to have conversations and I felt I wasn’t being heard. I would, then, blame the listener and just chalk it up to they don’t know how to communicate.
In doing a self-evaluation to check and see how I was trying to communicate my needs, I learned some of the hardest conversations, for me, to have are:
Conversations that deal with conflict
Conversations that involve strong emotions
Conversations that involve fear of rejection
I also learned, the lack of these difficult conversations can lead to shutting down and not communicating needs and emotions. This can then turn into feelings of resentment and anger. In the past, this has caused me to blow up and say words out of suppressed anger and hurt, which caused damage to the listener.
So rather than avoiding necessary conversations, I have learned that:
I-Messages are a great way to explain myself when I am upset.
When I use I-Messages, people are more willing to listen to me and respond to my requests without becoming defensive.
I feel…when you…because…
I-Messages encourage open discussion and can help a conflict become resolved quickly and easily.
Also, I have found, it is very important to stay away from permanent words such as: always, never, nobody, and everybody. These easily put the listener in a defensive mode.
The most effective conversations tend to happen when I am not in a heightened emotional state.
It is perfectly healthy to step away from a conversation, as long as an agreement is made to return to it at a better time.
I hope my self-evaluation can be of benefit to you also.
