One Christmas we received a card with a picture of a family very close to us who had been through some very challenging times. The setting for their family photo was around their mailbox with the address, “490” prominently displayed. The significance? It “490” is the sum of seventy times seven. When Jesus was asked how many times must we forgive a wrong doer, he answered, “Seventy times seven”. Through their many trials, this family committed to doing the hard work of forgiveness and the process enabled them to find peace with themselves and with one another and move forward.
The Challenge and the Motivation to Forgive
While some things are easy to forgive, others take hard work and perhaps a long period of time. And honestly, there are somethings that truly are beyond our ability to forgive, without God’s help. But this command, like most, is given because God loves us completely unconditionally and longs to heal our wounded hearts. He wants us to be free from anger, grudges, preoccupation with revengeful thoughts, disillusionment and bitterness. He longs for us to be free from the anxiety, depression and addictions that hide in unforgiveness. And God wants us to be free from physical ailments such as ulcers, heart issues, headaches, and other bodily problems that often result when we live in unforgiveness.
Yet forgiveness seems so counter-intuitive. Afterall, they should pay for the wrong done to us, we think. And though it is tempting to think we could make our offender pay for the wrong done by nursing a grudge, or seeking revenge, etc.; the price we end up paying is enormous and we suffer all the more, a victim twice, while our wrong doer goes on their way. Our peace is forfeited and our burden increases captivated by the chains of our unforgiveness. However, in reality, giving forgiveness is to our advantage. When we forgive, we experience a release from our own bondage to hurt and hate. True peace takes its place in our heart and we begin to heal emotionally, physically, relationally, and spiritually.
Being able to forgive doesn’t come automatically or naturally any more than being able to suddenly run a marathon race. Forgiveness takes commitment and practice. Our ability to forgive is empowered as we come to understand ourselves as forgiven and beloved by God and therefore, we are enabled to forgive others. As we practice forgiveness; both receiving and giving forgiveness, it becomes more and more part of our lives. I saw evidence of this through my chaplaincy in an assisted living setting where I worked with people mostly in their 80s and 90s. Those who made forgiving a life practice were joyful and hopeful people, whereas those who had long nursed grudges were mired in a spirit of bitterness which was magnified in their attitudes and physical pains.
Forgiveness Defined
So, what exactly is forgiveness? What is it not? How do you do it? These are questions worthy of consideration.
Webster gives the following definition for Forgiveness: “1. to grant pardon for or remission of (something); to absolve. 2. To cease to blame or feel resentment against. 3. to cancel or remit as a debt. obligation, etc., to forgive the interest owed on a loan.” Corrie ten Boom, a holocaust survivor, said, “Forgiveness is not an emotion, it is an act.” Put simply, forgiveness is a choice to let go .
Resources:
Harndon, Mack (1986), Seminar: Forgiven: The Healing Factor of Co-Dependency and Other Addictions. Kansas City, MO: Christian Psychological Services.
Smedes, Lewis (1984), Forgive and Forget, Healing the Hurts We Don’t Deserve. San Fransisco, CA: Harper and Row.
Stoop, David (2003), Forgiving What You’ll Never Forget. Grand Rapids: Revel, Baker Publishing Group.
The Holy Bible, New International Verision (2011). Grand Rapids: Zondervan.
Webster (1997), The New International Webster’s Pocket Dictionary of the English Language; revised edition. USA: Ferguson Publishing Company.
Worthington Jr., Everett L. (2003), Forgiving and Reconciling, Bridges to Wholeness and Hope. Downers Grove: Intervarsity Press.
Note: The author under the directorship of Dr. Mack Harndon, PhD, and with the staff of Christian Psychological Services, helped facilitate Forgiveness Workshops and Seminars in KC, MO, 1984-1990.
