Most people I talk to don’t like interpersonal conflict, but often that’s because they don’t have the skills to do it well. The first step in building these skills is recognizing that there are four basic styles of interpersonal conflict communication: assertive, aggressive, passive, and passive aggressive.
Each of these styles varies according to two factors:
Whether it involves direct or indirect communication of thoughts and feelings and to what extent the communication is delivered in a way that seeks to preserve relationship.
Assertive: Direct Communication that DOES seek to preserve the relationship
Thoughts and feelings are expressed clearly and directly. Communication is kind, respectful, and seeks to preserve the relationship. Assertive conflict communication is ideal, especially with an assertive listener. Assertive communication gets harder and progressively less effective the more aggressive or passive-aggressive your listener is.
Aggressive: Direct Communication that does NOT seek to preserve the relationship
Thoughts and feelings are expressed clearly and directly. But, communication is harsh, offensive, unkind, or disrespectful. It is instrumental – meant to manipulate, intimidate, control, or injure. What’s communicated is that the communicator’s needs, desires, and agenda are more important than preserving the relationship. Aggressive communication isn’t necessarily bad. It can be very useful, especially when earlier attempts at assertive communication have yielded no results or when the communicator is feeling seriously threatened or unsafe.
Passive: Indirect communication that DOES seek to preserve the relationship
Thoughts and feelings are expressed indirectly, unclearly, or not at all. The communicator’s passivity seeks to avoid overt conflict and, thereby, preserve the relationship. People choose passivity for many reasons. Sometimes, it’s because they’re afraid that if they communicate more assertively it will make someone mad or hurt their feelings. Sometimes, it’s because they’re afraid that engaging in conflict might threaten the integrity of the relationship. Sometimes, it’s because of their insecurities, lack of self-esteem, or underdeveloped sense of self.
Passive-Aggressive: Indirect communication the does NOT seek to preserve the relationship
Thoughts and feelings are expressed indirectly, unclearly, or not at all. The communicator’s frustration and anger, over their passive communication being ignored or misunderstood, come out in aggressive, vindictive, or uncooperative behavior behind the scenes. The communicator’s overwhelming need to not engage in direct, face-to-face conflict takes precedence over preserving the relationship. Passive-aggression also often shows up in situations where communicators feel that it would be pointless to speak up because they are in a position of lower power and they perceive that those in power over them are not listening.
