The American retail marketing system might try to convince you otherwise, but a lot of people – besides you – hate the holidays. Maybe it’s the over-sentimental Christmas music, the shopping hysteria, and the busyness of too many social commitments. But, those are just surface annoyances. The things that really stink are the sorrow, the grief, and the unpleasant memories that the holidays tend to stir up. To reduce the pain and suffering of the holidays, give some attention to these 4 root causes.
Problem One – Unmet Expectations:
The first things that make the holidays miserable are unmet expectations – both other people’s and your own. Maybe you’re trying to recreate a memory or live up to a fantasy. You feel the compulsion to host the perfect holiday dinner or party. Or maybe, you’re giving in to your old perfectionist tendencies. You must find the perfect gift. Or perhaps, you’re still subconsciously trying to impress your parents or avoid the criticism of your in-laws.
These are expectations you will almost certainly never be able to meet. Our families expect us to attend gatherings, resume our old roles in the family system, and play by the old, unspoken rules. Meeting expectations can be surprisingly difficult for adult children. Friends, too, expect us to attend parties and gatherings. Yet, even if we generally enjoy meeting their expectations, it can still be challenging to do at this busy time of year.
The Resolution – Modify Your Expectations:
It’s time to cut yourself some slack and modify your expectations. When planning your own gatherings, think about what elements will be most pleasing and meaningful to you, and then scrap the rest. Simplify, simplify, simplify. Accept now that you will not be able to attend every event or meet everyone else’s expectations. That’s okay. Not all expectations are reasonable or fair. Consider limiting yourself to a certain number of social commitments each week, in order to avoid getting overwhelmed. Think about what you can do, this holiday season, that will make it more enjoyable and meaningful for you – then carve out time for these events and make them part of your annual traditions.
Consider taking a half-day solitude and silence retreat to center you spiritually. Visit a holiday light display with someone you love. Volunteer with a charity whose mission you value. Go to a sacred music concert – find one that appeals to you and let the music speak to you. The holiday experiences that people find most meaningful and memorable are those that remind them of their connectedness to other people and their connectedness to The Divine. Yet, ironically, cultivating these kinds of experiences is generally not what we spend most of our resources on this time of year.
Problem Two – Grieving and Feeling Pain:
Another unpleasant part of the holidays is how it stirs up painful reminders, of all kinds, from the past – childhood memories of life in your dysfunctional family, or, on the flip side, bittersweet memories of holidays gone-by with loved ones long gone. We grieve what we never had and we grieve those we’ve loved and lost.
The Solution – Acknowledge Your Grief:
Acknowledge that grief is a natural part of engaging in annual traditions and remembering the past. It is painful, but it’s also part of the human experience and evidence that we are living our lives. Consider attending a Longest Night or Blue Christmas service, at a local church, as a way to remember your lost loved ones and to give yourself time and space to grieve.
If the holidays trigger re-experiencing of past trauma, then carve out time to self-soothe and distract yourself from these triggers. Avoid retail establishments like the plague. Consider doing most, if not all, of your holiday shopping on-line. If the re-experiencing interferes with your ability to work, rest, and enjoy life, then seek out a professional counselor to help you process through this material and start making peace with it.
If you need to spend time with painful people this holiday season, set some limits around it. Decide how much time you’re willing to give and leave when that time is up. Plan pleasant, life-giving activities for yourself both before the difficult event and after. For example, you might go to a yoga class before you go to the family dinner and then treat yourself to a movie afterwards.
Problem Three – Everything to Excess:
Another problem with the holidays is the excess. We eat too much, drink too much, and spend too much. As a result, we feel terrible, gain weight, and start the New Year in debt.
The Solution – Celebrate with Limits:
The holidays are a time to celebrate, so celebrate! But, don’t self-medicate! At the parties and gatherings, indulge – just don’t over-indulge. Then, in the days in between, stick to a plan for healthy eating, regular exercise, and plenty of sleep. Yes, I know you’re busy and there’s no time. But, making healthy choices is one of the ways we show love to ourselves. You are worth caring for; you deserve to be nurtured. If you get creative, you will find small ways to start caring for yourself. Then, once the foundation is laid, you can build upon it with one small positive choice after another.
Problem Four – Everyone is Happy and I’m Miserable:
Perhaps the overarching source of misery, at this time of year, is the collective false belief that everyone else is happy and I am not. The reality is that this is a lie. A very popular lie, and one feverishly perpetuated by our capitalistic society, but a lie non-the-less.
The lie is good for business because, as the twisted logic goes, if you are unhappy, then you simply need to buy the right goods and services to make yourself happy. Give them their heart’s desire, give them an experience they’ll never forget, give yourself the thing you’ve wanted for so long – and the emptiness will fill up, the loneliness will fall away, and you’ll have the life you long for. Yet, deep down, we know it doesn’t work like that.
The Solution – Remember Misery is Just a Season:
None of us are happy all the time. Does life stink right now? Give it time. By this time next year, things could be totally different for you. I know, because I’ve seen it happen in my life and in the lives of many of my clients.
Life comes to us in seasons. Remind yourself that you’re not the only one who’s struggling at this time of year. Start thinking about concrete actions you can take, over the coming year, in order to make it more likely that the next holiday season finds you in a better place emotionally, physically, relationally, or spiritually.
Do you need to expand your support network of friends? Do you need to find a counselor? Do you need to start dating again? Do you need to find a life-giving hobby? Do you need to give some time and attention to your spiritual life? Whatever it is, set your intention upon it and decide now to take action.
