Early in our marriage and as our family grew, my wife and I had to make a tough decision…where we would go and who we would spend our Thanksgiving and Christmas with? One thing we agreed upon was our desire for our children to wake up in their own home on Christmas morning. My mother and siblings lived several hours away and my in-laws were a bit closer. So, we made a decision early on to set a boundary for both sides of our family where no Christmas morning was spent anywhere except in our home together. Although it wasn’t received happily early on, it has given us a significant amount of peace during the holidays. We love both sides of our family. We love our own family. We love peace.
One common family stressor, especially in those with children, is the pressure to satisfy everyone on both sides of the family. Countless numbers of hours and money is spent on bouncing between homes. Of course, over time, bouncing between homes causes physical and mental toil. If we don’t set appropriate boundaries with our extended family, we can begin to feel like we are in bondage trying to satisfy each other’s expectations.
In the book titled “Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No”, by Henry Cloud and John Townsend, they talk about the difference between something hurting another and something harming another. The authors emphasize the point that something can hurt a person while not harming them. This comes in contrast with our struggle with not wanting to hurt other’s feelings with our exercising of personal boundaries. We can get caught up in the trap of stretching ourselves thin and sacrificing our experience for sake of not scarring another’s psyche.
However, just as we learn as parents that it is ok to say “no” to our child and that a boundary set early helps the child avoid the trait of entitlement or unrealistic expectations; the ability to establish boundaries as a family teach your children the importance of balance and caring for one’s own family first. The authors encourage the reader with the following statement:
“You need to evaluate the effects of setting boundaries and be responsible to the other person, but that does not mean you should avoid setting boundaries because someone responds with hurt or anger.” (p.93)
This quote reminds us of key things we need to remember when setting a family boundary:
Be purposeful and respectful in setting of boundaries. Acknowledge the hurt and disappointment, when you set boundaries. Purposeful and respectful boundaries earn respect for ourselves and others.
Also, be sure we are respectful of others’ boundaries. Just as you desire others to respect your boundary; they have the right to have feelings regarding how your boundary affects their boundaries. (Insert the Golden Rule here).
There IS a difference between hurt and harm. Not everything that hurts you is harmful, i.e. soreness experienced after a workout. We can’t always avoid hurting someone we love. However, we are called not to harm them with demanding or punitive words and actions.
As a couple, you are each responsible to share the boundary with your own family members. Don’t expect your spouse to share your family boundary when you are setting them. Have the courage to talk with your family member without your spouse being present. This helps maintain a healthier relationship between, you, your spouse and your family.
Resources:
(Cloud, Henry, and John Townsend, Boundaries: When to Say Yes, When to Say No to Take Control of Your Life. Kindle Expanded Ed. (2017) (Zondervan Publishers.)
