Do you find yourself rehashing your terrible day with your spouse and somehow feel worse, not heard, or think your spouse has shutdown?
John Gottman encourages us to develop our skills at having “de-stressing” conversations with our partners. He says our marital relationship can be like a “port in the storm” from the bigger outside world. These types of conversations can put coins in your “emotional” bank account with each other. If you follow a few simple points it is possible to develop this skill. A counselor can help coach you along the way. When you become successful at having these types of conversations they can be a welcome prelude to a more enjoyable post-work day or evening together.
First
The topic needs to be about something that does not have anything to do with your relationship or your children. Keep it about something from your bigger world.
Second
This needs to be a time limited conversation. Make sure you stay mindful of this piece or you will get back in the trenches of re-hashing your horrible day and feel worse instead of better.
Third
As the listener your only job is to be understanding and reflect what you hear your partner say. This is not a problem solving exercise. Your job is to listen, come along side your partner and reflect understanding of their point of view, even if you don’t agree with it. Watch out for the trap of taking sides or trying to problem solve.
Fourth
Change places and your partner gets 10 to 15 minutes to talk about something they want to discuss that does not involve you or your children.
Fifth
Get on with your evening and have a good night
