All couples fight. According to the research conducted by Dr. John Gottman, the following 4 traits are major factors in the ultimate demise of love relationships. Dr. Gottman calls these traits “The 4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse:”
- Criticism – Pointing out flaws in our partner or attacking the character of our partner can create a lot of hurt. We can all feel frustrated at times. Instead of a critical statement, try to ask for the positive need and think, “How can my partner shine for me in this situation?”
- Defensiveness – Making excuses, counter-attacking and becoming indignant are some of the ways we can become defensive. Sometimes we mess up – that’s OK! Instead of defending yourself, take ownership for at least a part of the problem. Show your partner how much you respect and honor your relationship by taking responsibility, even if it is for a small part.
- Contempt – This is the most toxic trait in any relationship. Contempt is criticism from a place of superiority that says, “I am better than you.” Contempt also can be sarcasm, name calling and mockery. Studies from Dr. Gottman’s research showed that individuals that received contemptuous statements produced lower amounts of T-cells in their immune system. Contempt is called “sulfuric acid” for the immune system – so much for sticks and stones. Describing your own needs and building a culture of appreciation keeps this horsemen from running rampant in your relationship.
- Stonewalling – John Gottman’s research shows that when our heart-rates soar above 100 beats per minute, we begin to lose the ability to problem solve and think logically and reasonably. This is a state called “flooding.” When we “flood” during a conflict, we sometimes shut down or “numb” ourselves mentally and emotionally from the conflict in order to protect ourselves. We sometimes need a break – it is OK to ask for a 20-minute break so that we can self-soothe and constructively continue the conflict discussion.
