Don’t Put Your Children in the Middle:

Although talking to your ex may be uncomfortable, it is necessary to keep your child out of the middle. Children often feel put in between their parents and caught up in the middle of fights when having to pass information back and forth.  This causes extra stress and pain, on top of what the child is experiencing from the divorce.

Don’t Over Share with your Children:

Parenting through a divorce, it is your job to protect your child from details they do not need to know.  Children often ask what is going on, but should only be told general information that is not hurtful towards either parent, such as “Your mom and I are getting a divorce because we have some problems that we cannot work through.”  These statements might not be what your child wants to hear, but the more information you share the more chance of putting your child in the middle.  

Don’t Say Hurtful Things about Your Ex:

This can be the hardest thing for parents, but anything you say about your ex shames your child.  Remember that your ex is still your child’s parent, and anything bad said about a parent reflects on the child.  Repeatedly saying hurtful things about your ex to your child can be ‘Parent Alienation.’  With parent alienation, a parent tries to make the other parent look bad, and win the affection of the child.  In the presence of your child, you should refrain from saying anything hurtful about your ex to avoid negative thoughts towards you, your ex, or your child.  

Keep Your Focus on Positive Parenting Through the Divorce:

Positive co-parenting should be a priority throughout the divorce.  As much as you can, avoid arguing in front of your child.  Do not make your children feel guilty when spending time with your ex or with friends.  Talk with your ex about issues surrounding discipline, school, and house rules so that there is consistency and structure in your child’s life.  

When going through a divorce, children must rearrange their whole world.  It is harder for a children to go through a divorce when he or she is put in the middle, hears details about his or her parent’s relationship, and deals with parent alienation.  There is help for dealing with a divorce for you and your children.  A counselor can help the family transition, co-parenting, and child counseling, as a safe place for your child to deal with feelings surrounding the divorce.  

Written by: Shannon Hinkle, MA

Shannon is has a Masters in Marriage and Family Therapy in the Indianapolis area.  She specializes in relationship and divorce care, teens issues, and communication skills.  To contact Shannon call (317) 474- 6448 ext 112 or email at Shannon@GroffandAssociates.com

Closing Exits

Get rid of some of the distractions that keep you from the marriage relationship you desire.  In Imago Therapy, these are known as “exits”.  These are the things that eat away time that both of you could be using to build your relationship and foster a deeper connection.  You may be aware of doing these as an escape, or not.  Examples include: spending too much time watching tv, playing on the internet, using your cellphone, etc.  I good way to gauge if something you are doing might be an exist for you, is to think if your spouse has ever complained that you spend too much time doing something, and not enough time with them.  That is clue # 1.

Some things can be exits that don’t necessarily appear to be.  An example of this would be spending time with your children.  Think about this for a moment.  Spending time with your children is an absolute necessity, however; the issue becomes, “why?”   Are you spending more time with your children because they need you and you want to be the best parent you can, or are you spending more time with them to avoid spending time with your spouse who you are annoyed with?  See where this gets a little tricky?  We all have to think about the reasons why we are doing things.  I know in my marriage, this was a tough one for me to grasp.  I have been guilty of using my daughters as an exit, so that I could “avoid” spending time with my spouse, who I was upset with.  Learning about this has moved it from the unconscious, into the conscious, and I am much more aware of the reasons why I am doing things now.

No Time

Make time for “just the two of you”.  With busy schedules, kids, jobs, sports, family obligations, etc. it is very difficult to get out of those roles and focus on just being husband and wife.  In order to break away from the usually family chaos, you must be very deliberate about Planning a date night, at least twice a month, but more often if possible. The following are some dating tips to reconnect. Mark it on the calendar and set those times aside, just as if they were mandatory work meetings.  The dates could be anything, as long as it is just the two of you.  The date night does not have to be anything expensive or extravagant; the point is to spend time together without all the other distractions of life getting between you.  This maybe a little awkward at first, especially if there has been a lot of tension, or lack of connection.   The more time that you spend with one other connecting, improving communication skills, and building emotional bonds the closer and more intimate you will feel towards one another.

We must be very deliberate in maintaining and building our relationship connections with our spouses.  If we don’t, it is very easy to fall into the role of “roommates” and wonder where that emotional and physical connection we once had with our partner went.

Written by:  James Vastag, MA, LMFTA

James Vastag is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist Associate with Groff & Associates Professional Counseling.  His passion is to help couples and families navigate life’s rough waters by helping them learn how to meet their emotional, physical, and spiritual needs in a positive and healthy manner.    James may be contacted at james@groffandassociates.com

Type of Counselor

The type of mental health counselor you seek is important depending on the type of struggle you are experiencing.  For relational support, find different marriage and family therapists in your area.  If your children are in need of counseling support, research different play therapists who are educated and certified in play therapy to help you.  For struggles pertaining to anxiety, depression, and other mood disorders, seek a counselor who is well trained in matters of individual counseling.  Many types of counselors exist, so narrow down the type of struggle you are experiencing and then seek support from an appropriate counselor.

Ask Questions

When searching for a counselor, ask as many questions as you see fit.  When calling different counseling practices, it’s important to ask about credentials of the counselor you are seeking, hours of the counseling practice, fees associated with the counseling practice, and the location of the practice.  Find out if the practice has access to psychiatrists who can help manage medication if needed, and also be curious if the practice accepts forms of insurance.  Feeling comfortable with the counseling practice will encourage your commitment to counseling.  If you feel uncomfortable or are confused about anything, ask a question or speak with someone who will be able to help you feel more comfortable.

Set an Appointment

When you have located a counselor who seems to be a good fit for you, set an appointment with that person.  Setting an initial appointment does not mean that you must continue to see the counselor on an ongoing basis.  Meeting the counselor for the first time will help you confirm that the counselor meets your needs, and if the counselor does not meet your needs, then you can continue your search for a counselor who does.  Counselors understand that they are not a good fit for every type of client and will help you locate a better match for your specific needs.  Don’t be afraid to speak with your counselor about feeling uncomfortable or wanting to look for other options.  In most cases, your counselor will be incredibly supportive of your decision.

As you look for a mental health counselor, remind yourself that finding the right counselor can take time.  Don’t settle for a counselor who will be unable to meet your needs.  Taking time to locate the right counselor will provide you with the support you desire and will encourage your commitment to counseling.

Written By: Kristie Watts

Kristie Watts is a Marriage and Family Therapy Resident at Groff and Associates Counseling.  Her passions are grief and loss, parent/child relationships, and pregnancy related struggles.  If you are interested in seeing a counselor and think that Kristie may be a good fit, please contact her at kristie@groffandassociates.com.

What if I think my family will not change or cannot be helped?

It is incredibly common for families to believe that change is hopeless and that they will remain the same forever.  In some respect, this belief can be true.  Most families repeat patterns that have been passed down from generation to generation with little or no consideration on how specific behaviors that have been passed down can be beneficial or detrimental to their own family’s function.  The transmission of family patterns is also complicated by marriage and the beginning of new families.  Think about it.  Every family is really a combination of two families that have passed down generations of interactions and behavioral patterns.  This can lead to complicated family dynamics.  However, changing those family dynamics is not hopeless.  Many families can easily alter their patterns of interaction with a few simple steps.  The hard part is realizing that your family may have detrimental patterns of interaction and then working to change those patterns.  The changes, most times, are not complicated, but they do take hard work and dedication as your family works together to make minor changes that will lead to major positive influence on future generations.

Our problem is just too weird.  I bet a counselor would not be able to understand us or help us.

Most families feel like their problems are too large for someone else to understand, not to mention, and begin to change.  How often have you thought that your family is weird and that your family will never change?  Well, counselors actually welcome all types of problems and families to their work.  In most cases, the problem may be different, but the treatment in family counseling is incredibly similar.  I encourage you to speak with a family counselor before deciding that your family is unable to be helped.  I bet you will discover that the counselor you work with will have understanding, compassion, and treatment options for you.

Wouldn’t it be easier to just quit my family and start something new?

In some cases, beginning something new can be easier, but in most cases working hard to make changes in your current family will be easier and more rewarding.  Yes, it takes hard work, energy, and dedication, but once you’ve given yourself to your family to make changes, the reward is well worth the hard work.  Most families will see progress once small changes are introduced and over time the family will begin functioning with healthier patterns.  Your family that seems weird, unable to be helped, and hopeless may just become the kind of family you have always wanted after you invest in family counseling.

If your family is experiencing troubling interactions, I encourage you to make an appointment with a family counselor.  Investigate the possibilities your family has before giving up.

Kristie L. Watts, LMFTA

Kristie Watts is a Marriage and Family Therapy Resident at Groff and Associates Counseling.  Her passions are grief and loss, parent/child relationships, and pregnancy related struggles.  If you are interested in seeing a counselor and think that Kristie may be a good fit, please contact her at kristie@groffandassociates.com.

• Teens with depression do not necessarily appear sad, nor do they always withdraw from others.

• For some depressed teens, symptoms of irritability, aggression, and rage are more prominent.

If you’re unsure if an adolescent is depressed or just “being a teenager,” consider:
• How long the symptoms have been present, how severe they are, and
• How different the teen is acting from his or her usual self
Depression in teens can look very different from depression in adults.
The following symptoms of depression are more common in teenagers than in their adult counterparts:
• Irritable or angry mood – irritability, rather than sadness, is often the predominant mood in depressed teens. A depressed teenager may be grumpy, hostile, easily frustrated, or prone to angry outbursts.
• Unexplained aches and pains – Depressed teens frequently complain about physical ailments such as headaches or stomachaches. If a thorough physical exam does not reveal a medical cause, these aches and pains may indicate depression.
• Extreme sensitivity to criticism – Depressed teens are plagued by feelings of worthlessness, making them extremely vulnerable to criticism, rejection, and failure. This is a particular problem for “over-achievers.”
• Withdrawing from some, but not all people While adults tend to isolate themselves when depressed, teenagers usually keep up at least some friendships. However, teens with depression may socialize less than before, pull away from their parents, or start hanging out with a different crowd.

Rebecca Heger is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor and a Licensed Clinical Addiction Counselor, located in the Indianapolis area.

It is estimated that 8 million Americans have some type of eating disorder and nearly half of Americans know someone with an eating disorder.  Eating disorders have the highest mortality rate of all mental illnesses. While these statistics are alarming, there is help and hope for both those personally struggling with an eating disorder as well as those who love or know someone living with the illness.

The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders IV defines an eating disorder as: a person that experiences severe disturbances in eating behaviors and distress of excessive concern about body shape or weight. While the presentation of an eating disorder will vary, one or more of the following symptoms of eating disorders will be present in most individuals with an eating disorder.

• Preoccupation with body wt., calories, food and nutrition
• Wearing loose or baggy clothing
• Intensely competing or an extreme need to avoid competition with others
• Compulsive dieting, exercising and/or overuse of diet pills and/or laxatives
• Difficulty receiving nutrition, compliments, favors, love, and attention from others.
• Belief that self is fat despite low wt or comments from others person is too thin
• A feeling of loss of control
• Physical symptoms including; cold intolerance, low blood pressure, anemia, edema, constipation, bradycardia, thyroid dysfunction, heart arrhythmias and many other symptoms are also possible.

Only 1 in 10 people with an eating disorder actually receive treatment for their illness. However, you do not have to be a statistic; there is help and treatment available! If you believe you are suffering from an eating disorder or just struggling with what you think are simple eating issues, an appointment to discuss your concerns with a therapist is the first step. It is important to find a therapist that is informed and has experience in treating eating disorders and approaches eating disorders from a holistic point of view which includes nutritional, spiritual and often medical support.

Do not hesitate to seek treatment or minimize the seriousness and life impacting results of an eating disorder.

*some material in this article taken from The Eating Disorder Solution by Dr. Barbara Cole, MFT, Psy.D.

Written By:  Tammy Shephard, MA

Tammy Shephard is a counselor at Groff and Associates.  Email Tammy at Tammy@GroffandAssociates.com

An alarming and increasing number of teenagers attempt and succeed at suicide.

According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC), suicide is the third leading cause of death for 15 to 24-year-olds.  For the overwhelming majority of suicidal teens, depression or another psychological disorder plays a primary role.  In depressed teens who also abuse alcohol or drugs, the risk of suicide is even greater.

Because of the very real danger of suicide, teenagers who are depressed should be watched closely for any signs of suicidal thoughts or behavior.

·         Engaging in reckless behavior or having a lot of accidents resulting in injury

·         Giving away prized possessions.

·         Saying goodbye to friends and family as if for good.

·         Seeking out weapons, pills, or other ways to kill themselves.

TIPS FOR TALKING WITH DEPRESSED TEENS

Offer support

Let depressed teenagers know that you’re there for them, fully and unconditionally. Hold back from asking a lot of questions (teenagers don’t like to feel patronized or crowded), but make it clear that you’re ready and willing to provide whatever support they need.

Be gentle but persistent

Don’t give up if the teen shuts you out at first. Talking about depression can be very tough for teens. Be respectful of the teen’s comfort level while still emphasizing your concern and willingness to listen.

Listen without lecturing

Resist any urge to criticize or pass judgment. The important thing is that the teen is communicating. Avoid offering unsolicited advice or ultimatums as well. Resist any urge to criticize or pass judgment. 

Validate feelings

Don’t try to talk teens out of their depression, even if their feelings or concerns appear silly or irrational to you. Simply acknowledge the pain and sadness they are feeling. If you don’t, they will feel like you don’t take their emotions seriously. The important thing is that the teen is communicating. If the teen claims nothing is wrong, but has no explanation for what is causing the depressed behavior, you should trust your instincts. Remember that denial is a strong emotion. Teenagers may not believe that what they’re experiencing is the result of depression.

If you see depression’s warning signs, seek professional help.

Neither you nor your teen is qualified to either diagnosis depression or rule it out, so see a doctor or therapist who can.

Rebecca Heger is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor and a Licensed Clinical Addiction Counselor in the Indianapolis area.

Many types of loss exist in our world, but death is one of the hardest losses to understand.  Many times I am asked questions such as, “why did he have to die?” or “why didn’t I just stay one day longer?  Maybe if I was there he wouldn’t have died.”  Grief and bereavement can be a complicated process depending on the type of loss you have experienced.  Some losses are expected (a loved one dying from a terminal illness, old age and natural causes) and others are sudden (heart attack, car crash).  Below you will find information about the bereavement process to help you understand how to cope with death.

According to Worden, four tasks of mourning exist.

1. To accept the reality of the loss
2. To work through the pain of grief
3. To adjust to an environment in which the deceased is missing
4. To emotionally relocate the deceased and move on with life

Accepting the reality of the loss can be difficult because it involves not only an intellectual acceptance but also an emotional one.  It is easy to believe that the loved one is still away on a trip or has gone to the hospital again.  Be patient as you work to realize the reality of the death.

Not everyone experiences the same intensity of pain or feels it in the same way, but it is impossible to lose someone you love without feeling or experiencing some level of pain.  Working through this pain is necessary.  If the pain is continually avoided, the grief could manifest in a more complicated way such as major depression or conduct disruption.

Three areas of adjustment are needed after the death of a loved one.  1) external adjustments-how the death affects one’s everyday functioning in the world, 2) internal adjustments-how the death affects one’s sense of self, and 3) spiritual adjustments-how the death affects one’s beliefs, values, and assumptions about the world.

The last task is about finding a place for the deceased that will enable you to be connected with the deceased but in a way that will not keep you from living life.  Find a way to memorialize and remember your loved one while still continuing to experience your own life.

If you need help working through the tasks of grief and bereavement, please contact a therapist in your area who is skilled in working with grief and loss.

Kristie L. Watts, LMFTA

Kristie Watts is a Marriage and Family Therapy Resident at Groff and Associates Counseling.  Her passions are grief and loss, parent/child relationships, and pregnancy related struggles.  If you are interested in seeing a counselor and think that Kristie may be a good fit, please contact her at kristie@groffandassociates.com.

*Information taken from J. William Worden in “Grief Counseling and Grief Therapy.  Third Edition.”  2002

How can I be more comfortable during these long winter months? 

 Start by getting as much natural sunlight in your eyes as possible without staring directly at the sun; spend time outdoors on sunny days including the winter when it snows and the sunlight dazzles.  Cheerful interiors reflecting natural light can also be helpful like brightly colored walls, splashes of orange and yellow in pillows and accessories.  Adding more lights on the ceiling, more lamps in a room, a sunlight pipe is a device that transmits natural light into the house.  Exercise and diet can have a valuable effect on mood control.  Combine exercise with getting extra light.  While regulating your mood with food may seem energizing it is a short lived solution.  People with some form of depression will often reach for caffeine, sugar, or even alcohol to change their mood all of which should be taken in moderation or not at all for some people.

What if my physical functioning is impaired, I have significant feelings of depression, or my physical functions are markedly disturbed during winter?  

You should see a doctor or mental health professional for an evaluation and to help you explore your options, you may have a form of seasonal depression.

Can I do anything other than meds?

Psychotherapy with medications can be important components of treatment.  Cognitive Behavioral Therapy has been known to get positive results for those suffering with SAD.

There are specific devices, which can be helpful as a component of treating SAD including light boxes that produce 10,000 lux, a therapeutic level for light therapy, when used as a reading light for 20 minutes a day, though time exposure varies and multiple exposures may be needed.  You should be supervised by a physician or qualified therapist to confirm diagnosis, monitor mood and side effects.  It is useful to pay attention to how you feel each day related to how much light therapy or outside light you are getting.  Some people have reported needing less sleep, feeling more energized, and clearer in their concentration after 10 days of use, though not all people benefit from light therapy.  These devices can be ordered from several sources ranging in prices from around $250 to $350.  Most manufacturers have 30-day return policies.   Check with your PCP or psychiatrist prior to using a light box especially if you have a history of eye problems, bipolar disorder, suffer with insomnia or anxiety and always follow manufacturer recommendations.

Stay connected- enjoying quality and joyous time with good friends, family and fellows in faith!  Blessing to all during this Fall and Winter season.  

Bobbye L. Crawford, MA,LMHC, LCAC provides professional counseling services to individuals and couples as well as assessment and outpatient counseling services for those suffering from addictions.  To schedule an appointment call  317-474-6448 extension 105.

This isn’t about writing per se. It’s about our common “copy editor” who also has just a bit more knowledge about the “big picture” than do we in our own little corner of life. From the time we are able to string together thoughts, we humans write stories. When we were kids, we probably had a couple dozen or so stories of “possible futures.” They were neatly recorded on the pages of our mind and generally involved some common themes: education, career, marriage, kids, grandkids, retirement… although few of us could bear to write that final chapter of our narrative.

As we grow older, life choices and events start to delete some of our narratives. When those are by our choice, we usually don’t have any problem putting them in the trash; but when the choice isn’t ours, the grief associated with the Great Copy Editor sending the story back to us can be difficult to deal with.

Yes, the truth is sometimes my life narrative doesn’t play out as I’ve written it. Dealing with job loss, divorce, my kids’ choices, death of loved ones… none of these events were in my original drafts. Were they in yours?

When these events happen, we’re faced with a “rewrite.” The Editor has seen something in our work that could be better and has asked us to formulate a new story. Initially, my challenge is to get past my anger and disappointment. How dare he send this back to me! I knew what I was doing.  Now he’s gone and marked it all up. I’ve got to start over.

It’s painful to face that reality, but it’s all part of the process of writing a great story. I have to be mindful that my Editor is intimately connected to me and knows the needs for my audience.

Are you in daily contact with your Editor, seeking his feedback on your story? Are you willing to hear him when he sends it back for changes?

Chuck Chapman, LMFTA