Drs. John and Julie Gottman have changed how people view relationships and have equipped thousands of couples with the skills and tools to make their relationship work. In my previous article (http://groffandassociates.com/2018/11/07/3-steps-to-better-friendship-in-marriage/) I speak to the first three principles of the Sound Relationship House (https://www.gottman.com/about/the-gottman-method/) or what the Gottman’s refer to as deep-rooted friendship in a relationship. Once we are making efforts to build on these principles, it leads to our fourth level,
The Positive Perspective.
Picture this – every single positive thing you do in your marriage is a deposit in an “emotional bank account.”
If you are bridging the gap
Mapping your partner’s inner world
Sharing fondness and admiration and building a culture of respect and appreciation
Turning towards your partner daily you are building your emotional bank account and continuously making deposits into your relationship towards the overall satisfaction of the relationship or marriage.
This positive perspective is important for many reasons and one main reason is for the following:
Conflict Management
I recently heard a quote from Dr. Les Parrott, “Conflict is inevitable in a marriage. Conflict is the price we pay for a deeper, more intimate connection with our partner.” The concept can be quite foreign to many couples that do not believe conflict is healthy – in reality the opposite is true.
Couples go through two different types of conflict:
Solvable Problems
Perpetual Problems
You might be surprised to know that most of the time (69%) couples are dealing with problems that are not solvable. Over a third of the time, we are fighting for something much more meaningful than a sink full of dirty dishes or a messy house. This means that just 31% of the time, we are dealing with problems that are solvable.
There are several ways to solve our solvable problems, one is to avoid “The 4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse” explained in this article (http://groffandassociates.com/2017/06/30/4-reasons-why-your-relationship-will-succeed-or-fail/)
Others include:
Softening our approach (or start-up) to conflict
Learning to repair
Self-soothing
Compromising
Forgiving
This is why our “deposits” are vital. When we are consistently making intentional deposits into our account, when conflicts do arise, we can withdraw from the account and still be ahead – still feel connected. When we get stuck “in the red,” we start having “mountains out of molehill” moments. Small conflicts pile up, resentment build, negativity sets in = big fights or isolation.
Dealing with perpetual problems or problems that you just cannot see eye to eye on is much more involved. These issues are rooted in the irreconcilable differences that all couples have (Yes, all couples).
These are those typical conflicts that have the following characteristics:
The same argument occurs again and again, with no resolution.
The conversation has zero humor, empathy, or affection.
The issue becomes increasing polarizing over time.
Compromise is impossible because it would mean selling out – giving up something important and core to your beliefs, values, or sense of self.
If this describes some of your conflicts, I would recommend seeking the appropriate help for you and your partner or spouse. If we understand that conflict is inevitable – like the rain that allows growth and development to take place – we can “pay the price” for a stronger bond, deeper connection and more fulfilling relationship.
